Chelsea parade new star signing

Ace stopper Ross Turnbull

In an effort to trump Real Madrid’s overblown unveiling of World Record signing, Cristiano Ronaldo, yesterday, Chelsea have presented new 3rd choice goalkeeper, ex-Middlesbrough stopper, Ross Turnbull, to an adoring crowd of 20,000 fans at The O2 Arena which had recently become free and was hired specially for the event.

Turnbull was presented to the feverishly excited fans by  Chelsea chief executive and Manchester United turncoat, Peter Kenyon, who claimed that with the signing of the Middlesbrough reserve custodian, they were sending out a message to the Premier League and beyond.

Turnbull told the assembled congregation “I am very happy to have been bought by one of World Football’s biggest clubs and I believe that I have been selected with a view to usurping Petr Cech from his position as No.1 and certainly not because of UEFA’s new rules pertaining to the number of foreigners that you are allowed in your Champions League squad. I can’t wait till my first match in the League Cup or possibly a dead rubber in one of the Champions League group matches.”

Due to his transfer it is believed that Turnbull could well force his way into Fabio Capello’s England plans, even though relegated Middlesbrough thought he wasn’t as good as Brad Jones.

During the two hour long ceremony Turnbull, who is expected to be given the prestigious number 42 shirt, played catch with a group of specially selected school children and was presented with his Chelsea kit by Stamford Bridge legend, Dave Beasant.

Ronaldo unveiled in front of 80,000 adoring morons

 

Real unveil World's Biggest Twat

Real Madrid today presented new signing, and übertwat, Cristiano Ronaldo, to an adoring crowd of 80,000 retarded Madrileños in an extravagant  ceremony which involved the Portuguese star being shot out of a Golden cannon, through a flaming hoop made of €5 notes and into a cage containing two Siberian snow leopards before being strapped into a jetpack and hovering above delirious fans in the famous Bernabeu stadium.

Real President, the megalomaniacal, Perez, announced to the gathered imbeciles, “This is the biggest thing ever to happen in the history of mankind! The evolution of man has been building to this moment, the moment when Real Madrid, the most successful football club in the World can annouce that, despite having won nothing of any consequence for some time, we can spunk our money up the wall with the best of them, in fact better than anyone else and we don’t even need rich Middle Eastern despots or Russian gangsters to do it. Are you watching Manchester City?”

The presentation lasted over an hour and involved the ex-Manchester United player showing off his ball juggling skills, signing a small boy’s balls and healing several dozen specially chosen invalids.

It was the biggest event of this kind since Maradona’s transfer to Napoli almost exactly 25 years previously, and Perez will be hoping that Ronaldo will replicate the Argentine superstars success, although perhaps without the drug taking, the weight gain and the general hanging around with ‘bad sorts’.

Fiorentino Perez also used the presentation as an opportunity to unveil Real Madrid’s new kit which is made from pure white platinum leaf with gold stitching and costs €25,000 per shirt. He also denied rumours that Real were seeking to become the first footballing nuclear power and that planned pre-season trips to Iran and North Korea were purely promotional and had nothing to do with attempting buy atomic weapons grade plutonium.

Fergie unveils exciting new striking prospect

 

Michael Owen attends his medical at Old Trafford

 Sir Alex Ferguson today reveiled that English superclub, Manchester United, are on the verge of signing former European Footballer of the Year and balsa wood boned, Michael Owen.

In a riposte to free spending Real Madrid, who have now spunked nearly £200million on Kaka, Ronaldo, Albiol and Benzema, Fergie revealed that United were in no way crippled by their estimated £700million debt and could cut it with Real when it came to signing the big names in the world game.

He claimed that United would be stronger next season despite losing World Footballer of the Year, Ronaldo, and apparently wanting to replace him with a Honduran winger from Wigan and a knackered striker from the early part of the decade.

Michael, 29, but with the hamstrings of a man three times his age, is believed to have accepted a cut-price deal with the Old Trafford based giants and will sign today subject to the unlikely event of him managing to staying upright and not falling to the ground, curled in the foetal position wracked with pain clutching his knee during his rigorous medical.

Owen’s agents, the Wasserman Group, claimed that their much derided shiny brochure, had been a success and that Sir Alex had been persuaded by Owen’s core values, his goalscoring record and the free Panini stickers that had been attached to the front.

They also claimed that Owen’s move to a big club could give him a renewed opportunity to get back into the England squad so that he can breakdown sometime during the World Cup in South Africa, Fabio Capello was unavailable for comment on this, but an FA spokesman, when asked, did suppress a giggle and say that there was more chance of Capello making Titus Bramble England captain.

Manchester United fans across the country, from Surrey to Cornwall, seem to be divided on the signing, with internet forums awash with fans either trying to delude themselves that Owen’s signing could work out like a latter day Cantona or calling Owen “a little Scouse sh*tbag who will spend all his time in the Old Trafford treatment room”.

BBC announce live Championship games

 

Damien Duff, he used to play for Chelsea, no really.

The BBC, in a show of commitment to the Championship, have announced that the first of their 10 televised matches will feature newly relegated from the Premier League, Newcastle United, away to, just demoted from the Premier League, West Bromwich Albion.

A spokesman for the broadcasters denied accusations that they were ashamed to be showing football from outside the top flight and stated that the use of a hastily edited intro from “Match of the Day” with Gary Lineker’s voice dubbed whenever he uses the words “Premier League” was a cost cutting decision and not at all an indication that the corporation really wanted to be showing Manchester United vs Liverpool.

“If you squint a bit, imagine the players being a lot more twatty and ignore the standard of the football, then I guess you could pretend that you’re watching a Premier League match from last season, but I can assure you that this is entirely coincidental. We, at the BBC, are fully supportive of our commitment to the Championship, and we will endeavour to cover as many of the second rate clubs as we can.”.

“Teams with a rich history and fairly recent Premier League experience can expect to feature in at least one match, so fans of  Ipswich, Watford, Reading and Middlesbrough should be happy that they will have matches televised, most likely when they play Newcastle.”

When asked, by journalists, if this included showing live matches featuring teams such as Scunthorpe and Blackpool, he coughed and muttered something under his breathe about Hell freezing over.

Manchester United buy Valencia

 

Valencia yesterday

Officials from Manchester United confirmed today that they have secured the signing of Spain’s third largest city, Valencia, for a fee believed to be in the region of €22million.

The city, which contains buildings dating back to Roman times, has been suffering huge financial problems and was believed to be on the verge of going into administration, which could’ve been a disaster for the home of paella and would’ve resulted in a crippling points deduction for next season.

A spokesman for the Premier League champions admitted that they had been watching the city for quite some time and Sir Alex Ferguson had visited it on secret scouting missions on several occasions.

“It is a fantastic city, with a well developed infrastructure and several world class tourist attractions, including the fantastic  ’Ciudad de las Artes y las Ciencias’ or ‘The Hemisphere’ as it’s more commonly known, which houses the highly popular planetarium and aquarium.”

“We are pleased to be able to buy one of Europe’s most thriving urban centres for less than a third of the price of Cristiano Ronaldo.”

He continued “Sir Alex has said that he’s not sure whether Valencia will immediately go into his first choice XI of cities but he hopes that Valencia will be patient, play in a few Coca Cola Cup matches and then push for a first team place, eventually lining up alongside Rio and eventually, hopefully becoming one of the all time greats footballing cities like Arsenal’s 1979 FA cup winner, Sunderland.”

Premier League ask Professor Hawking to investigate Tevez deal

 

Professor Stephen Hawking in Lego

Premier League officials today admitted than any potential transfer involving troglodytic Argentine striker, Carlos Tevez, is likely to be so complex that they have asked theoretical physicist, Professor Stephen Hawking, to investigate and try to explain it to them.

The striker’s contract with Premier League Champs, Manchester United, expires on 30 June which is expected to initiate a frenzy of speculation over his future, with Chelsea and Man. City  believed to be amongst the clubs vying for his services.

Tevez’s transfers have caused considerable controversy since he first moved to West Ham from the Brazilian club Corinthians. His career has been complicated by his being part owned, in some sort of footballing timeshare scam, by a consortium formerly fronted by Kia Joorabchian, the entirely above board and in no way shady, Anglo-Iranian businessman who now acts as the Argentina forward’s adviser and also the fact they only potentially exist in a multidimensional parallel universe in L-space.

However the Premier League have sought to investigate  and have called upon one of the World’s biggest boffins to ensure that no element of any third-party agreement in any  new deal can potentially threaten the Space-Time continuum, as one of British football’s most convoluted and complicated transfer sagas finally comes to an end.

Professor Hawking, speaking at a convention for fans of 80s educational toy ‘Speak ‘n’ Spell’, explained “For years I have posited the existence of theoretical contracts and metaphysical ‘third party’ elements and now, finally, I have the chance to examine one in reality. I am grateful to the Premier League to allow me to work on this intriguing, unique and unstable example of this phenomena.”

His publishers confirmed the rumours that they would be publishing the wheelchair bound egghead’s findings in an unintelligible coffee table book provisionally titled “A Brief History of Tevez”.

A Sheffield United spokesman also commented that they have a legal team prepared and ready to go depending on Professor Hawkings findings.

Man City complete Santa Claus deal

Striking sensation Santa signs for City

Man City announced today that they have finalised the transfer of Santa Claus from Finnish team, FC Christmas, after the rotund striker passed a medical.

Negotiations had stalled over Claus’s insistence that City change the traditional light blue colour of their home shirts, however progress was made when the City board agreed to a new away kit featuring ‘St Nick’s’ favoured red with white trim colour scheme.

Temporary City boss, Mark Hughes, praised the new signing, “He’s someone that we’ve been watching for a long time, not only does he have a proven track record all across Europe but he can be relied to provide top quality delivery and he’s great in the air with huge presence”.

The fee is believed to be in the region of £17million, he became a target for City after their takeover by the mysteriously shadowy and ridiculously wealthy Abu Dhabi United group who had an offer turned down in the January transfer window due to Claus needing time to recover from a hectic Festive schedule.

Critics of the deal, including some City fans, had pointed out that the fee is a huge amount to spend on an unfit, morbidly obese, old man who lacks belief and who’s best days are probably behind him, but once it was pointed out that they hadn’t bought Mark Viduka most agreed that it was a good move for the club.

Chief Executive, Gary Cook, defended the deal stating that although the fee may seem high it did also include a “Santa Clause” which granted the Manchester club exclusive image rights, meaning that any company, film or TV programme featuring St Nick would have to pay them royalties, which Cook claims will give a projected income of £2.7billion every year or enough for 150 Glenn Johnsons.

Liverpool name new Managing Director

 

 

Crowds gather to watch the unveiling of Liverpool's new MD

Liverpool today named Christian Purslow, 45, as their new managing director who will take overall charge of the club until a suitably useless replacement for outgoing chief executive and former head of the Premier League, Rick Parry, is found.

Mr Purslow has a degree from Cambridge,  an MBA from Harvard Business School and a Liverpool season ticket holder, although it has been rumoured that he bought them all on E-bay from a man in Singapore.

He speaks fluent Spanish and has an extensive knowledge of overpriced mediocre Primera Liga players and so will liaise with manager Rafael Benitez on his summer signings.

Co-owner George Gillett told the club’s official website. “There’s a lot to get done and Christian will be a valuable addition to the team… unlike most of Rafa’s on field signings!”

“Tom Hicks and I felt that it was important to put a highly experienced and respected executive in place to run the club and support the senior team and the manager but in the end we could only convince Christian to take on the role,” he said.

Co-owner Hicks added: “Christian has been a great supporter of the club for… oooh… at least three years, and in that time, since the Champions  League win in Istanbul, he’s built up great relationships at Anfield.” 

“His strategic and commercial acumen will be a real asset and we’re delighted that he has made a long term commitment to the club. Now all we need to do is brainwok his ideas into the mix, step them up to the plate and fly them from the flagpole to see which way the Soccerball is headed” he added before descending into a torrent of business jargon which made about as much sense as a plot explanation from a time travel episode of ‘Star Trek – The Next Generation’.

Purslow is an executive board member and co-founder of private equity firm MidOcean Partners, his knowledge of football comes from his extensive collection of “Shoot” magazines from the 1980s and watching Sky Sport’s coverage of La Liga.

BBC3 issues apology for constant droning noise during it’s Confeds Cup coverage

A spokesman for BBC3 today issued a formal apology to viewers of it’s Confederations Cup coverage regarding the incessant droning noise during the matches, which unusually for BBC football coverage was not, for once, coming from Mark Lawrenson, but rather the strange and annoying plastic horns which have been distributed to the uninterested crowds.

He explained that the intensely irritating whine was being produced by the crowd using “Vuvuzelas”, a type of  horn which is meant to sound like the trumpeting of an elephant but which is actually more reminiscent of swarm of angry mosquitos buzzing inches from your head.

Representations have been made to FIFA with the BBC Sport’s Head of Football, Niall Sloane, telling the sport’s governing body “The audience will switch off in droves if this constant noise is allowed at the World Cup. It’s going to be hard enough encouraging people to watch Togo versus Paraguay as it is without this racket being allowed, we’ve already seen from ITV’s use of David Pleat as a summariser and subsequent drop in ratings, that audiences will not put up with this sort of thing.”

However a representative for the South African footballing authorities promoting the meaningless kickabout claimed  ”The ‘Vuvuzelas’ are an important part of South African soccer culture. There’s nothing more that fans of the Bafana Bafana like to do than piss off everyone else in the stadium and the watching world by blowing into a cheap, tacky bugle for hours on end. We South Africans are known throughout the world for being loud and obnoxious so why would we change the habits of a lifetime on our own soil?”

FIFA are expected to make a decision on the possible banning of the controversial instruments as soon as they get the results of a legal report into whether they can have the sole rights to marketing them.

Michael Owen’s agents book 1 hour spot on QVC

 

Michael Owen yesterday

In a bold effort to sell injury prone, charisma blackhole, Michael Owen,  his agents, Wasserman Media Group, have booked a primetime one hour spot on home shopping channel QVC.

The “Super Striker Special” will air 7pm on wednesday and be presented by James, from this year’s Apprentice, and Sky Sports presenter, Kelly Dalglish, with the dynamic duo extolling the virtues of the impish Newcastle United forward.

They will show footage of all his most memorable moments for England and Liverpool, mostly a seemingly endless montage of his 1998 World Cup goal against Argentina, with his turbulent time at Real Madrid and Newcastle relegated to a brief  1 minute epilogue to be broadcast as the end credits roll.

Owen’s desperation to move from the beleaguered North East club has led to his management company using ever more imaginative ways to advertise their client’s skills to football clubs in the Premier League, including a set of adverts featuring Barry Scott, of Cillit Bang fame, and Michael Winner (”Calm down dear, it’s only a tweaked hamstring”) which were shown during “Coronation Street” last night.

They have also produced a 34 page glossy brochure called “The Michael Owen Experience”, which is being given away with copies of next weekend’s “Sunday Times”. It features a fold-out middle page spread featuring all of little Michael’s many injuries and how they have been treated prior to him coming back too soon and rupturing them all over again.

It also includes detailed charts and statistics, provided by WMG’s highly paid sports scientists, proving that his decrease in pace is, in fact, an optical illusion due to the poor air quality in the North East and that actually, believe it or not, he has managed to last the full 90 minutes of a match on at least 4 occasions in the last two years.

Michael Owen is available on a free transfer and is, according to his agents, willing to listen to offers in the region of £50,000 per week after they told him that no-one, not even Man. City, were going to be prepared to match his £110,000 per week wages for a fragile, gnomic, hasbeen.