England match to be shown exclusively on Ceefax

he Ukrainian FA today confirmed that the exclusive rights to saturdays World Cup qualifier have been sold to the BBC’s ancient text information service Ceefax.
The rights to the match, which is now almost meaningless to England as the team have already qualified for next year’s World Cup in South Africa, had been bought by the, [...]

Michael Owen appointed Apple’s ‘Football Ambassador’

ichael Owen’s agent has today confirmed that the diminutive goalgrabber has been appointed by hi-tech firm, Apple, as their “Football Ambassador” in a sponsorship deal believed to be worth several million pounds.
According to a representative from Apple, who explained “Michael Owen perfectly encapsulates the qualities of the Apple brand and is an aspirational icon who [...]

Sol Campbell leaves Notts County

Sol Campbell’s agent has confirmed to “Festival of Football” that the player has agreed to leave League Two side Notts County after playing only one match.
The ex-Spurs and England man is believed to have made the decision upon hearing the news that popular Cockney knees up merchants, ‘Chas ‘n’ Dave’ had split up yesterday.
Reading from [...]

FA cancel all leave for Disciplinary Department personnel

Lord Triesman, today confirmed that all leave for staff working in the Disciplinary Department had been cancelled in order to help clear the massive backlog of cases being brought before them.
With the current flare-ups involving Craig Bellamy and Gary Neville during the Manchester derby and El Hadj Diouf’s racial abuse of a ball boy during [...]

Experts predict Keane eruption ‘before Christmas’

  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Vulcanologists have issued a warning today that temperamental Ipswich Town boss, Roy Keane, is due to erupt ‘imminently’ after lying dormant for well over a year. 
His last eruption, during his bust up with Sunderland chairman, Niall Quinn, measured 6.7 on the Richter Scale and could be felt as far away as Lincolnshire.
This latest forecast predicts that any [...]

Producers of BBC’s “The Football League Show” launch inquiry into ‘Woman-on-the-shitter-gate”

Producers of the BBC’s much heralded new saturday night soccer programme ,”The Football League Show”, have today announced that they will be launching an in-depth and far reaching inquiry into how last Saturday’s show came to be interrupted by several minutes of footage of a women, knickers round her ankles, sitting on the toilet.
The incident happened during the League [...]

Arsenal and Celtic are drawn together in Champions League Qualifier

 
British journalists celebrated today as Arsenal and Celtic were drawn together in the otherwise completely tedious qualifying round of the stupifyingly dull, so-called Champions League.
Hacks everywhere were delighted with the draw which took place at UEFA’s fortified underground bunker in Switzerland, allowing them to dust off all those tired old “Battle of Britain’ clichés which [...]

Sven appointed Director of Rumpy-Pumpy at Notts County

 
Swedish love god and sometime football manager, Sven Goran Erikkson, has been appointed Director of Rumpy-Pumpy at League Two club, Notts County.
The former England, Manchester City and Mexico headcoach, and ex-paramour of fellow Swede Ulrika Johnson and curvaceous, former FA secretary and office bike, Faria Alam, has today been confirmed as joining the backroom staff [...]

Gerrard in court to face affray charges

 
Liverpool captain, Steven “Stevie G” Gerrard, attended court today to face a charge of ‘causing affray’ in a Southport nightclub in December of last year.
The scouse superstar is accused of starting a nightclub brawl that resulted in the injury of Southport man in the early hours of 29 December.
Businessman McGee suffered multiple injuries, including a [...]

Arsenal fan drives Emmanuel Adebayor to Eastlands to complete signing

 
Emmanuel Adebayor completed his £25million transfer this weekend after Arsenal fan, Kevin Sampson, offered to drive him from the Emirates Stadium to Eastlands if it meant that the Gunners could get rid of the sulky striker and pocket a large sum of Middle Eastern cash.
Kevin, 33, an Arsenal season ticket holder for 15 years, explained [...]