Archive for August 2008

Steve McClaren becomes a Dutch master overnight

August 14, 2008

Ex-England coach and new manager of high flying Dutch side, FC Twente, has attributed his incredible ability to master  the Dutch language to watching DVDs of the two Dutch policemen characters created by Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse in their hit BBC comedy show and to watching those annoying  Grölsh adverts.
In an interview with the Netherlands top sport channel, “Red Hot and Dutch”, McClaren, wearing a striking bright orange PVC suit and giant doobie in hand, said “I am coming to your countries, Holland, to immersh myselfs into your cultures, to experience a new vay of lifes, to broaden my horishonsh and to learn how to play ze, ow you say, shexy footballs. FC Twentes, Arshnal, the Championsh Leagues, zees are ze thingsh that I wanted to experience in ze Nederlands, zees is a dream come true, shexy dreams, footballs, goalsh. Of course ve are zee underdogsh but, hey, you never knowsh, perhapsh we could win the gamesh over zee two legsh and if we don’ts then, hey, this is a very liberals country, we just kicks back and enjoys ourshelves.”
Later when asked about whether his FC Twente team could challenge the Big Three (PSV, Ajax and Feyenoord) for the Eeriedivision, McClaren quickly interrupted saying “Schtopp, schtopp, zis football teams ish clearly not ready yet!”

Ashton’s transfer to Spurs held up by West Ham’s demands

August 13, 2008

England star and injury magnet, ‘Destructible’ Dean Ashton’s proposed transfer across London from West Ham to Tottenham Hotspurs, has stalled after the East End chancers demanded a Premier League record fee of “all the tea in China or the equivalent cash value (£150 million)” for the breakable hitman.

West Ham’s Icelandic owner, Magnus Magnusson, has said that it was well known amongst footballing circles that Spurs were prepared to spunk stupid money on English players, especially strikers, citing last years £17 million transfer of Darren Bent. However Spurs supremo, Daniel Levy countered that “at least Bent had scored lots of goals for Charlton and didn’t appear to have legs made of balsa wood” but did admit that with the imminent loss of Dracula lookalike, Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester United, the acquisition of a top striker, even one that is unlikely to start more than one game in five, is their top priority.
When questioned about Ashton’s appalling injury record, Magnus responded “Well stupidly rich people pay lots of money for fragile items all the time, only last week a Ming vase was auctioned at Sotherby’s for £28 million and even Dean Ashton is more robust than a delicate piece of chinaware”.

Ashton, who has managed the princely sum of 15 appearances for the Hammers since his transfer from Norwich City, and is currently recovering from his latest injury, a repetitive strain wrist injury allegedly picked up from playing “Pro Evolution 2008” too much, has said that he is keen on a move to White Hart Lane as the North London club was recommended to him by previous Spurs favourite malingerer, Darren Anderton, as having the best treatment room facilities in the Premier League.
If Spurs fail to land Ashton it is believed that Juande Ramos could make an audacious bid for Samuel L.Jackson’s character from the film “Unbreakable”.

Threat of strike action by Scottish referees averted

August 7, 2008

Thanks to last ditch negotiations the threatened strike action by Scottish referees appears to have been averted by the intervention of the ‘Old Firm’, Rangers and Celtic.

In a joint statement broadcast live on the Carlos Santana sports channel, Rangers owner, Sir David Murray and Celtic chairman, former Home Secretary John Reid, revealed that the two Glasgow giants were prepared to make up the difference between the proposed match fee of £800 and the current £575 (which includes the sponsorship money received from Specsavers).
Spokesman for the Scottish Referees Union, Hugh Dullass, claimed that this increase would bring Scottish referee’s earnings into line with the officials of other major leagues, such as Lithuania, Bosnia Herzegovina and the Isles of Scilly.
When later quizzed as to why the ‘Big Two’ had stepped in at the brink to end the strike before the opening weekend of the new SPL season, Sir David Murray admitted “everyone knows that without the presence of the match officials, the duopoly of the ‘Old Firm’ would be impossible to maintain. I mean do you really think that our team, containing geriatric centrebacks David Weir and Christian Dailly could really manage to win the SPL without the help of 89th minute penalties, dodgy sendings off and excessive injury time? Football is ‘Big Business” and in big business the last thing you want to do is give your competitors a level playing field, just look at BAe systems and the Saudis, sometimes you just have to keep the people in charge sweet.”
With the dispute resolved fans of Scottish football will be relieved to  know that they can look forward to normal service being resumed from this weekend.

Festival of Football

August 6, 2008

Welcome football fans to my latest blog  which aims to bring you the inside track on all* of the breaking stories from ‘Planet Football’, with more red hot analysis and tip-top insight than Garth Crooks and Andy Townsend combined. 

*in this context all means some…occasionally…when I can be arsed.