Archive for September 2008

Mike Ashley finds a buyer for Newcastle

September 27, 2008

 

Mike Ashley disproves the theory that vertical stripes are slimming

Mike Ashley disproves the theory that vertical stripes are slimming

Newcastle United owner, Mike Ashley, has claimed today that after touting the troubled club around various despots of the Middle East, he has finally found a buyer for the self-styled “Greatest Club in the World” in the form of a Nigerian business consortium who had contacted him by e-mail.

Beer guzzling, former fan favourite, Ashley went on to explain that after he’d been jetsetting around the Emirates trying to find anyone rich and gullible enough to pay more than double his initial investment of £134 million for the club, he checked his hotmail account to unexpectedly find that he had a message from a solicitor called Sunday Fourpence acting on behalf of the recently deceased President, Naughty Makumba, wishing to transfer US$600million into his account.
“I was amazed” exclaimed the portly businessman, “apparently the former President was a massive fan of Newcastle United and considered himself an exiled member of the Geordie Nation, much like myself, Joe Kinnear and Dennis Wise. I’m not too up on the legal ins-and-outs but due to some financial technicality the estate of the dead premier need to transfer the majority of his funds into my bank account whilst all I have to do is sign over control of the club, lovely jubbly, everyone’s a winner!”
A spokesman for the supporters group called the ‘Looney Toon Army’, Kevin Shearer-Milburn, claimed that this would be fantastic for the club.
“We’re fed up with the club being run by the clueless cockey mafia or local villians, like Freddie Shepherd and John Hall. These Nigerians have been loyal fans of the club for years and have the business acumen needed to run a successful club like the Toon, and as long as they bring back a former fan favourite as manager, like King Kev or John Barnes,  we fully expect the club to return to the glory years of winning the Fairs Cup and occasionally finishing in the top half of the league.”

Football League defends "phantom goal"

September 22, 2008

Stuart Attwell explains the "conceptual goal" to the Watford players

The Football League has dismissed calls for a replay between Championship sides Watford and Reading, despite the Professional Game Match Officials board’s admission that the goal awarded by referee Stuart Attwell after his assistant flagged was “a complete and utter cock up”.

“The laws of the game give no discretion in these matters — the referee’s decision is final, we can’t disregard his opinion despite the fact that there were 14,761 witnesses who claim that the ball never went within a country mile of the Watford goal” said the League’s chief operating officer, Andy Williamson. “Given this explicit position, the League cannot intervene.” before muttering something about head of the Premier League, Richard Scudamore, not having to “defend this sort of sh*t”.

The goal was awarded with 13 minutes of the match played, a Reading corner glanced off Watford defender John Eustace and went out of play over the byline. Attwell, however, awarded a goal when his myopic assistant raised his flag, to the confusion of all present.

In a post-match statement, wet behind the ears ref, Attwell, 25, claimed that he had awarded the goal for ‘intent’, claiming that there was no actual requirement within the laws of the game for the ball to have actually entered the oppositions goal for a goal to be awarded.
“In my view there was sufficient evidence of ‘intent’ from the Reading forward line for a goal to be awarded, they had been trying for several minutes to score and only Watford’s desperate rearguard actions, especially by their goalkeeper, who incidentally had to be warned several times for continually handling the ball during the match, had denied them. Basically it’s like when the referee gives a foul despite no contact being made, the fact that the offender intended to foul is enough for the foul to be given, the same is true for goals, and if you consult FIFA’s new guidelines it was perfectly reasonable for me to award a conceptual goal despite the ball actually crossing the goal line several yards outside of the goal.” 

Reading manager, Steve Coppell admitted to being surprised at the referee’s interpretation of the new guidelines, “So far this season I’ve seen bugger all evidence of intent to score goals from our players, but, to be honest, at the moment I’m like John Merrick at a swingers party, I’ll take whatever I can get.”

In the post-match press conference his Watford counterpart, Aidy Boothroyd, stated “Is this what they think is acceptable outside of the Premier League? F**king schoolkids refereeing football matches? Those c**ts Ferguson and Wenger wouldn’t put up with this sort of sh*t…if I see that little f**ker round these parts again I’ll give the snivelling tw*t a conceptual smack in the mouth that’ll send him home to his mummy crying his piggy little eyes out.”
Sky Sports chief analyst, Andy Gray, when asked to comment said “Did it happen in the Chelsea vs Manchester United match? No? Well then why does anyone give a flying f**k? Reading? Watford? Are they owned by billionaires or rich Arab consortiums? No they’re not, so why are you bothering me with this parochial nonsense, f**k off I’ve got bigger fish to fry, like Mike Riley’s constant victimisation of Rio Ferdinand”.

West Ham admit that their players had just come back from a charity fun run

September 20, 2008

In a post match interview after West Ham’s 3-1 win over troubled Newcastle United, new coach Gianfranco Zola put the Hammers performance down to the fact that he had sent them out on a fun run on the morning of the match.

The entire squad had participated in the Newham 10k ‘Run for your life’, which involved runners legging it from Canning Town to Green Street whilst attempting to avoid BNP activists, muggers and gangs of surly youths hanging around outside the numerous fried chicken restaurants. The team are believed to have raised several pounds in sponsorship for needy cockney street urchins.
“As you could see from the players shirts” explained the hugely popular, pocket sized, Italian troglodyte, “we hadn’t even had time to remove their fun run numbers, but despite this, they were energised and able to run rings around the Newcastle team and, indeed, it was they who looked as though they had been forced to run a marathon before the match”. 

Premier League footballers demand more respect from officials

September 17, 2008

England and Chelsea captain, John Terry, has called on Premier League referees to show players more respect, in a press conference relayed live from Roman Abramovitch’s secret underground lair.

The broadcast broke into all major British TV channels at 9.03pm, interrupting several highly rated programmes and Five’s “Extreme Fishing with Robson Green”.

In a emotionally fraught statement the mentally fragile Terry claimed that everyone involved in football was given respect except for the most important people, the players.
“In my first competitive match after the Champions League final, the referee teased me and, whilst laughing, said “Don’t cry John” after he incorrectly awarded a throw in to the opposition despite the fact that I clearly didn’t touch the ball before it went out of play! The fact is that no-one, the FA, the officials or the crowds give us any respect. In fact the paying punters are the worst. As soon as we make a mistake, like kicking the ball embarrassingly wide from 12 yards out, they’re on our backs and calling us names, hurtful names like Benny, Spazmonkey, Muppet and much, much worse, names that would cause a merchant seaman to blush. Anyone would think that they paid our wages.”
“Also I find it highly hypocritical that we’ve been asked by the FA to respect the referees” continued the weeping manchild “but when are they going to show us some respect? I mean most of us earn in a week what they earn in a year and yet they think they can tell us what to do, how does that work? You’d think that they’d be honoured to share the pitch with us and have a talented superstar such as myself or Gary Neville scream “F**K OFF!” continuously in their face for several minutes. I mean bit part actors in Hollywood take it from the big stars all the time and do they show them red cards and send them from the set? It’s political correctness gone mad”.
Player representatives from all 20 Premier League clubs have agreed to sign up to the “R.E.S.P.E.C.T” campaign and correspondents from all the major sports media outlets have agreed to step up their berating of match officials until they make them all jack it in once and for all, whilst shouting “If you know so much Hansen, why don’t you take charge of a match rather than critisising and spouting meaningless clichés, you Scottish prat”.

Scientists attempt to explain weird phenomena centred around Zagreb

September 11, 2008

Scientists at the ‘Large Hadron Collider’ at the CERN facility in Switzerland have admitted today that during yesterday’s test firing of the giant magneto device, they may possibly have opened up a series of alternate realities spheres, one of which appeared to have been centred around the Maksimir football stadium in Zagreb, Croatia, whilst reports also came in of strange goings on at the Largleeunpronouncable Stadium in Reykjavik.

At approximately 9.45pm the news agencies were claiming that the England football team, almost identical, in all physical aspects, to the one that had huffed and puffed to beat the Andorran goat-farmers on saturday, had smashed, the previously unbeaten on home soil, Croatians, 4-1. Further evidence that not all was quite right with reality, was revealed when Scotland scored their first goals under new coach, George Burley, to beat Magnus Magnusson’s Iceland, 2-1, with a doppelganger of Rangers journeyman clogger, Kirk Broadfoot, scoring the all important first goal. Confirmation that reality had been altered came with the news that Switzerland had lost to the tiny Duchy of Luxembourg.
Chief scientist, Professor “Doc” Brown, announced at a hastily convened press conference, “We believe that in firing a beam of protons around the particle accelerator at exactly 88mph, we have recorded the first ever artificially created Giggs boson, popularly known as the “Hod particle”, a tiny sub-atomic structure that is capable of creating an extra yard of space and second of time.”
Explaining further to the uncomprehending collection of journalists, he continued,  “We also recorded the creation of the Theotron, a fast moving particle that can slice through the crowded space-time continium, a particle that was first posited by the eminent Swede physicist, Professor Erik Yuran Svensson, several years ago. We also seem to have discovered the origin of some of the “Dark energy” that makes up 73% of the mass of the universe in an unstable particle called the Wazza R boson, which is most often found sitting in the Black hole behind the frontier particle or Em boson, a large, dense particle which can collapse rapidly and without warning.”
The scientists then went on to tell the gathered audience that there was no reason to panic and that our original reality would return over the coming weeks or months and that the natural order of things was likely to be restored in time for the next round of World Cup qualifiers.

Hammers unveil new boss

September 9, 2008

West Ham’s Icelandic owner, Magnus Magnusson, revealed today that the team’s new manager will be a lump of Gorgonzola, becoming the first foreign dairy product to manage the Irons in their 113 year history.

The Hammer’s chairman scotched rumours that he’d intended to hire Gianfranco Zola and had only ended up with the 2lb lump of cheese when his PA ran the proposed contract through a spellchecker and failed to spot that Microsoft Word had substituted the name of the diminutive former Chelsea and Italy frontman for the name of a pungent Italian blue cheese, before getting Magnusson to sign the legally binding, 5 year contract, said to be worth £2 million per year.
In a smelly press conference, the baldheaded biscuit supremo stated that ever since Alan Curbishly’s resignation last week, the West Ham board had intended to break with tradition and employ a mouldy cheese to handle team affairs, pointing out that it could hardly do worse than Glenn Roeder.
With fans of the club said to be broadly in favour of the surprise move, celebrity supporter and professional cockney, Ray Winstone, told gathered news reporters “Fackin’ ‘ell, ain’t this a right turn up for the books! A lump of cheese managing the ‘ammers, never fort I’d see the day, but to be honest, an’ I could be on me Jack Jones here, but we’ve had to put up with some right pony over recent seasons and quite frankly I’m just relieved we didn’t end up with that toilet Souness. And let’s face it, the Curds will be better than Curbs in the transfer market, even a mouldy old piece of Gorgonzola knows better than to spunk a load of bees and honey on a Berkshire hunt like Keiron Dyer. “
However the appointment has caused consternation at the League Managers Association, with chairman Howard Wilkinson claiming that this is just another nail in the coffin for English managers.
“When I became the last English manager to win the title, with Leeds in 1991, why are you laughing? It’s true, look it up if you don’t believe me”, Wilkinson explained, “I never dreamed that not only would the top clubs nearly all be managed by Frenchmen, Spaniards and other assorted untrustworthy continental types, but that young, successful and progressive ballplaying English managers such as Aidy Boothroyd and that bloke that’s done alright at Hull, you know, something Brown, would be usurped by foreign, imported cheese! I mean if they want to go down the dairy route what’s wrong with a good old English cheddar or stilton?”
The footballing world is now waiting with baited breath to see if Newcastle owner, Mike Ashley, follows suit and offers the Magpies head coach job to a sphere of Edam.

Capello critisises Joe Cole for "tactical indiscipline"

September 8, 2008

Despite scoring both goals in England’s crushing of the dangerous minnows, Andorra, and potentially saving the Italian’s blushes in Capello’s first ever competitive match in charge of the ‘Three Lions’, the England coach has hit out at Joe Cole’s tactical naïvety, lack of discipline and unpredictable outbursts of footballing skill, claiming that this is certainly not what he expects or wants from an English footballer.

In an interview with the Irish owned, Carlos Santana sports channel, Capello claimed that he had been happy with the way that the first half had gone but unfortunately had to change things around when he had a sudden moment of lucidity and realised that Stuart Downing was, in fact, a Middlesbrough player and consequently, a bit shite.
“I brought Joey on in order to shore up the midfield and prevent the dangerous Andorran postman from breaking down the wing and potentially making John Terry look like a leaden footed, clumsy oaf, which could’ve been disastrous for morale. Who knows how the feeble minded Chelsea stopper would’ve coped? It may’ve made him cry like a girl.” Capello said with the aid of a translator.
“Joey is a fantastic player and despite looking slightly retarded, he is clearly one of England’s most creative players, but at international level this is not enough. I don’t want players out there who can dribble around the opposition with their, ow you say, ‘fancydannery’, I want ‘meat and potatoes’ players who can lump the ball into the opposition box for Emile Heskey to halfheartedly try to win before falling over. The last thing I want to do is introduce a supremely talented and creative attacking player who will make the rest of the team realise how crap they actually are, it is not good for team spirit and until Cole realises this he will not earn a place in my starting line up. Yes, he may have ‘saved my bacon’ and helped to avoid the embarrassment of a 0-0 draw with a team 157th in the FIFA ranking but in all my years as a coach I have never put up with players showing ingenuity, guile or spontaneity, these have no place in modern football. ” he continued.
He went on to praise Wayne Rooney for eliminating those elements from his game and becoming a much more tactically useful one-dimensional footballer, something that England clearly need more of, the £6million per year coach claimed.