Mike Ashley finds a buyer for Newcastle


Mike Ashley disproves the theory that vertical stripes are slimming

Mike Ashley disproves the theory that vertical stripes are slimming

Newcastle United owner, Mike Ashley, has claimed today that after touting the troubled club around various despots of the Middle East, he has finally found a buyer for the self-styled “Greatest Club in the World” in the form of a Nigerian business consortium who had contacted him by e-mail.

Beer guzzling, former fan favourite, Ashley went on to explain that after he’d been jetsetting around the Emirates trying to find anyone rich and gullible enough to pay more than double his initial investment of £134 million for the club, he checked his hotmail account to unexpectedly find that he had a message from a solicitor called Sunday Fourpence acting on behalf of the recently deceased President, Naughty Makumba, wishing to transfer US$600million into his account.
“I was amazed” exclaimed the portly businessman, “apparently the former President was a massive fan of Newcastle United and considered himself an exiled member of the Geordie Nation, much like myself, Joe Kinnear and Dennis Wise. I’m not too up on the legal ins-and-outs but due to some financial technicality the estate of the dead premier need to transfer the majority of his funds into my bank account whilst all I have to do is sign over control of the club, lovely jubbly, everyone’s a winner!”
A spokesman for the supporters group called the ‘Looney Toon Army’, Kevin Shearer-Milburn, claimed that this would be fantastic for the club.
“We’re fed up with the club being run by the clueless cockey mafia or local villians, like Freddie Shepherd and John Hall. These Nigerians have been loyal fans of the club for years and have the business acumen needed to run a successful club like the Toon, and as long as they bring back a former fan favourite as manager, like King Kev or John Barnes,  we fully expect the club to return to the glory years of winning the Fairs Cup and occasionally finishing in the top half of the league.”
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One Comment on “Mike Ashley finds a buyer for Newcastle”

  1. Geordiewords Says:

    Its about time he found a buyer, but he wasn’t going to do that until we got some points on the board and starting playing better.

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