Archive for March 2009

United goalkeeper reveals secret of success for penalty shoot-outs

March 3, 2009
Foster makes Carling Cup final penalty save

Foster makes Carling Cup final penalty save

English football was yesterday rocked to it’s very core when Ben Foster brazenly admitted that he had practiced and prepared himself for the possibility of a penalty shoot-out before sunday’s Carling Cup Final.

In an interview just 24 hours after helping Manchester United to their second trophy of the season, by triumphing 4-1 on penalties against reigning cup holders, Tottenham Hotspurs, the Red Devils goalkeeper revealed the secret of his shoot-out success.

“Well, in England we always regard penalties as a ‘lottery’ which relies purely on luck and no skill at all but here at Manchester United one of our coaches, Eric Steele, had studied the success of German teams in shoot-outs over the years and it turns out that actually scoring, under pressure, from 12 yards and, indeed saving penalties is a skill that can be practiced! I mean who knew?’

“I know that it doesn’t seem fair” continued the United and ex-Watford stopper “and not the English way but it turns out that the sneaky Bosch have been doing it for years, even going so far as to study videos of their opponents taking previous penalties! Believe it or not, contrary to what many at the FA believe this is perfectly legal and within the laws of the game!”

When asked about this questionable tactic, Spurs supremo, Harry Redknapp, queried whether it was ‘within the spirit of the game’.

“Well, to be honest wiv yer, it’s tantamount to cheating innit? In this country we’ve got a tradition for being unprepared and just willing to give it a go, hit and hope. I mean did we prepare before The Iraq War? Or the Charge of the Light Brigade? No we just rushed in full of bravado and enthusiasm before accepting our ultimate fate.”

Redknapp continued “By disproving  the ‘you can’t practice penalties’ theories and showing the ‘penalties are a lottery’ brigade for the fools they are, Sir Alex and his evil minions have brought crashing down one of the last bastions of the British Empire. If we don’t nip this in the bud now we could end up with an England team winning a shoot-out in a major tournament for only the second time in history, and where will that leave us?”

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Fergie names Old Trafford cleaner in starting line-up for Carling Final

March 1, 2009

Gladys Allsop, pictured yesterday

Gladys Allsop, pictured yesterday


Sir Alex Feguson, this morning, confirmed that in amongst the reserves and youth team players, his Manchester United line-up for the prestigious Carling Cup Final against Spurs, will contain a shock debut for 57 year old cleaner, Gladys Allsop.

The jocular Glaswegian joked that she would play sweeper and that she’d always impressed him with her dedication, speed of movement and tireless hoovering.

When questioned as to whether the Govan governor was taking this match entirely seriously in a season where the Manchester giants have already won the World Club Championship and look set to run away with the Premier League, Fergie replied “Och, a lot of people dinnae think I care aboot the Carling Cup but when you look at the teams that have won it recently you’ll see that we want to be considered amongst such esteemed company”.

Ferguson dismissed suggestions United were taking the game lightly by travelling down to London on the day of the game with the players getting changed in the coach, which is scheduled to arrive at Wembley minutes before kick off and insisted that, unlike some other countries, all cup competitions are taken seriously in Britain and that the Carling Cup was just as, if not more important than the Cheshire Cup or the Greater Manchester Challenge Trophy.

When asked about Manchester United’s team selection, Spurs boss Harry Redknapp commented “Look, they could field a team that had Fergie’s cat in goal, his 4 year old grandson upfront and his wife in midfield and they’d still batter us, now clear off while I try to explain to Darren Bent what those white metal structures with the nets attached at either end of the pitch are”.