Archive for April 2009

Roy Keane has first bust up with Suffolk press

April 29, 2009


Bearded but not bowed

Bearded but not bowed

New Ipswich Town boss, Roy Keane, has had his first major falling out with a junior hack from local newspaper, the Evening Star, we can exclusively report.

It happened during a routine press conference, called by new Tractor Boy’s Chief executive, Simon Clegg.

Keane was asked to elaborate on his plans for guiding the Suffolk club back to the Premier League and outlined his plan to bring in a plethora of overpaid ex-Sunderland and Republic of Ireland players, whilst paying over the odds for any new signings.

He made a couple of his now customary quips about “walking his dogs”, which journalists nervously laughed at like Rupert Pupkins hostages in Martin Scorcese’s under-rated classic “Kings of Comedy”.

It was then that the jovial mood was broken when a junior hack broke ranks to ask Keane “What makes you tick?”

Keane then exploded with apoplectic rage rising from his seat on stage, foaming at the mouth and shouting “Who are you calling tick, you fecking jumped up little eejit?”

The press conference was hastily abandoned whilst security guards tried to prise Mr Keane’s hands from around the neck of the now unconscious journalist.

Eventually the police were called and a local vet was instructed to shoot Keane with a tranquiliser dart, allegedly having to use a dose that would normally be required to stop a rampaging rhino.

A spokesman for Keane claimed the Town supremo was unavailable for comment as he was “walking his dogs” and hospital sources have said that the journalist is in a stable condition and may be able to eat solids in the very near future.


Modest Ronaldo describes goal as ‘the most beautiful thing in the history of the Universe’

April 16, 2009


Shy, retiring Ronaldo pictured yesterday

Shy, retiring Ronaldo pictured yesterday

In an interview to be published in celebrity footballer tossrag, ‘Icon’ magazine, greasy haired, perma-tanned playboy, Cristiano Ronaldo, described his winning goal from last night’s Champions league quarter-final, as “God like in it’s execution” and “celestial in it’s beauty”.

He also refuted reports that he is worried about being usurped from his position as numero uno, Latin gay pin-up in the Manchester United line up by the young Italian stallion, Frederico Macheda.

“This Frederico, he is an upstart, yes he has scored a couple of important goals which may prove vital in our title challenge but can he do the a series of pointless stepovers?”

“Can he over elaborate a cross in a multitude of meaningless ways? How many penalties has he artfully earnt by craftily tripping himself when running past a defender?”

“And can he afford to write off a £100,000 Ferrari by recklessly smashing it into the wall of a tunnel? No, I don’t think so!”

Despite rumours of unrest and disagreements with some of the Manchester United coaching staff, Ronaldo dismissed reports of him signing a pre-contract with Spanish giants, Real.

The Portuguese also announced that he will be promoting his own range of male fragrances called ‘Vanity’ which will be launched, at the end of the season, in Manchester, with a re-launch scheduled for Madrid in September.

Alan Green claims Chelsea vs Liverpool Champions League encounter was ‘Worst. Match. Ever’

April 15, 2009


Pig faced professional whiner, Alan Green, last night

Pig faced professional whiner, Alan Green, last night

Curmudgeonly, greasy haired, 5Live munchkin, Alan Green claimed today that last night’s 4-4 draw between Chelsea and Liverpool was just a stale continuation of the two teams recent Champions league encounters and that if you stripped away the goals, the penalty,  the goalkeeping mistakes, the passion and the excitement, all you were left with was 90 minutes of a pointlessly played out ‘dead rubber’.

Hosting brainless, ignorant, view spew and Premier League wankfest, ‘606’, last night, Greenie, railed against any suggestions from callers that last night’s match was one of the best in a long, long time, calling it a ‘display of ineptitude not seen since my wedding night’.

“Yes some cretins like to see plenty of goals and exciting action but that’s not what English football is all about. Where was the defensive excellence? Where was the midfield stalemate that so exemplified English success in Europe in the 70’s and 80’s? I say it’s about time those idiots at FIFA re-introduced the back pass rule to encourage mindless time wasting and get the game back to it’s stupefying tactical roots”.

He went on to suggest  that Aurelio’s free-kick was a fluke, that Petr Cech’s hat makes him look like a child with special needs, there is no Father Christmas and that we will all, every last one of us, die horrible deaths, alone and unloved.

When it was suggested that he was no longer a commentator who ‘told it as he saw it’ but had, in fact, made a career out of being childishly, and often ignorantly, contradictory, he shouted “No I’m haven’t!” before storming off, muttering darkly about everyone being in league with ‘Sir Alex’.

England reveal new away kit

April 5, 2009

Beckham models new England away shirt

Beckham models new England away shirt

Following on from the success of the new ‘extreme retro’ England home shirt, featuring their patented pseudo-scientific sounding ‘second skin armour technology’, Umbro have announced that the new away kit will not feature a shirt at all but that the players will play in ‘skins’ with the iconic three lions badge tattooed onto the players left breast.

Umbro spokesman, head sports kit technician, Pim Bladderstein, claimed that this revolutionary breakthrough in kit design means that the England players will be much more streamlined and impervious to dirty foreign tactics such as shirt pulling, although he did admit that nipple tweaking at corners may have to be combated by the use of elastoplasts.

When questioned about the use of the new away kit for fixtures in cold conditions Pim revealed that Umbro would be producing a specially formulated gel composed of goose fat and chip oil, which would be smeared on the players bodies providing an extra layer of insulation, something which most England fans, especially those from the North-East, won’t require.

Worries expressed about Wayne Rooney’s pasty complexion and the dangers of sunburn in matches played in sunny climates were allayed by Umbro’s tie-in with suncream manufacturers Ambare Solair.

The new England ‘shirt’, which is actually a kit containing a Three Lions temporary tattoo, a tub of the specially formulated goose/chip fat and a bottle of Factor 30 suncream, will go on sale from monday priced at £49.99.