Archive for May 2009

Phil Brown vows to keep Hull players on the pitch for the entire close season if relegated

May 22, 2009


A bearded tit pictured yesterday

A bearded tit pictured yesterday

During one of the interminable press conferences that blight football but provide journalists with easy copy to fill their ever increasingly useless newspapers, Chicken tikka coloured, earpiece wearing Cuprinol man and Hull City manager, Phil Brown, explained his controversial plan to motivate his players if the worst happens and they suffer the dreaded drop into the Championship after Sunday’s match against Manchester United.

In an extreme version of his half-time teamtalk on the City of Manchester stadium pitch from earlier in year, he plans to keep the team on the KC Stadium pitch until the opening fixture of next season, if they fail to do enough against the newly crowned Champions to stay aboard the gravy train that is the Premier League.

“Some people claim that my actions at half-time during the away game against Manchester City failed to have the desired effect and actually de-motivated the team, and to be fair to them the facts do appear to back them up as since then we have slumped alarmingly.”

“However you can prove anything with so-called ‘facts’, just ask Rafa Benitez,” continued the Hull supremo, “and I strongly believe that old fashioned managerial bully boy tactics are what’s needed to bring out the best in overpaid prima-donna footballers in this day and age”.

When asked what information he received through his infamous nightclub bouncer like earpiece Brown replied “Actually it’s tuned to BBC Radio 7, I like to listen to the classic repeats of ‘Hancock’s Half Hour’ and ‘The Navy Lark’, I find them calming during the maelstrom of a match”.


Newcastle city council organises open top bus parade for conquering heroes

May 12, 2009


Local Hero 

Local Hero

Plans were revealed today, by Newcastle city council, to hastily organise an open top bus parade through the street of the city in order to commemorate Newcastle United’s historic win in the Tyne Tees relegation dogfight last night. 

In celebration of the Toon’s 3-1 hammering of their seemingly relegation bound near neighbours the council have decided to fund a party for the self-proclaimed ‘Geordie Nation’, a nation which, if ranked purely in terms of footballing success, would be somewhere between Liechtenstein and the Faroe Isles.

A spokesman for the council and self-styled Sergeant Major in the Toon Army, Kevin Jackie Milburn Asprilla Beardsley Mirandinho Kilkline, announced the plans and praised the clubs latest messiah.

“The local boy and demi-God, Shearer has come in and turned this club around, I mean 5 points in his first 6 games in charge is comparable to any of the greats like Jim Smith, Sam Allardyce or Glenn Roeder.”

“Some people will think that it’s a bit over-the-top to celebrate only the club’s second Premier League victory in 20 matches but when you do it against the big clubs like Middlesbrough and before that, West Brom, then it’s only natural to want to celebrate”.

The parade will start at the world famous Metro centre waved off by a succession of Newcastle’s most successful business tycoons and popular former chairmen including Sir John Hall, Freddy Shepherd and the bloke in charge of Northern Rock.

It will end at St James’s Park where hundreds of the usual unemployed rent-a-quote retards will be milling about giving their ill-informed opinions about the club to lazy Sky Sports journalists who can’t be arsed to find anyone with an IQ above the level of a brain damaged chimp or who has a vocabulary which extends beyond the words “Messiah”, “Big Club”, “Toon Army” or “Deserves to be in the Champions League”.

The club has also announced that a special DVD is also being released today made up of hastily edited together footage from YouTube featuring highlights of yesterday’s match played over a strange backing tape of an Albanian techno bands mashup of Geordie classic ‘Fog on the Tyne’. The DVD entitled “Alan’s Army vs Gareth’s Gaymos – Derby Destruction” will also be available in a special director’s cut widescreen edition for fans of Mark Viduka.

Champions League semi-final referee admits to denying Chelsea penalties ‘for a laugh’

May 7, 2009


Henning Ovrebo flees an over eager autograph hunter

Henning Ovrebo flees an over eager autograph hunter

In a boisterous post-match press conference after last night’s fractious Champions League semi-final second leg between Chelsea and Barcelona, Norwegian baldy referee Tom Henning Ovrebo answered questions regarding his denial of four penalty appeals by the home side by stating that he did it ‘for a laugh’.

“The thought” he continued “of all those overpaid primadonnas moaning and whinging like crazy about my failure to award them a penalty just made me chuckle to myself and I knew that most right minded football fans would also find it amusing to see serial loser Michael Ballack chasing me around the field like some sort of demented Benny Hill sketch.”

“I also thought that Didier Droga has long had the appearance of a man close to the edge, a bit like Michael Douglas’s character in the flip out classic ‘Falling Down’ and it would be a real feather in my cap to be the one to send him over the edge”.

In answer to accusations that he had been following UEFA orders to prevent a second successive Chelsea vs Manchester United final the glabrous Ovrebo just laughed maniacally stating that he wasn’t following any orders apart from his desire to become more famous than previous Chelsea favourite, Anders Frisk.

In a separate interview Barcelona boss, Pep Guardiola, barely constraining a fit of the giggles claimed that Barcelona had deserved to win, citing their domination of the possession, the fact that they are prettier and the fact that they have everyone’s favourite big game bottler, Lionel Messi, in their ranks.

Guus Hiddink was unavailable to comment but a Chelsea spokesman refused to accept the accusation that the Dutch tactical genius had been unduly cautious to remove Drogba and replace him with a midfielder after an already defensively depleted Barca were reduced to 10 men with the harsh sending off of Abidal.

“Obviously a team assembled for a cost of roughly £600million is going to hang onto a 1-0 lead against 10 men like some sort of non-league side who happen to be on the verge of a giant killing against a team several hundred places above them in the league pyramid, what else would you expect Chelsea to do, attack and score more goals? You, my friend, are living in a dream world!”