Archive for June 2009

Premier League ask Professor Hawking to investigate Tevez deal

June 24, 2009


Professor Stephen Hawkings in Lego

Professor Stephen Hawking in Lego

Premier League officials today admitted than any potential transfer involving troglodytic Argentine striker, Carlos Tevez, is likely to be so complex that they have asked theoretical physicist, Professor Stephen Hawking, to investigate and try to explain it to them.

The striker’s contract with Premier League Champs, Manchester United, expires on 30 June which is expected to initiate a frenzy of speculation over his future, with Chelsea and Man. City  believed to be amongst the clubs vying for his services.

Tevez’s transfers have caused considerable controversy since he first moved to West Ham from the Brazilian club Corinthians. His career has been complicated by his being part owned, in some sort of footballing timeshare scam, by a consortium formerly fronted by Kia Joorabchian, the entirely above board and in no way shady, Anglo-Iranian businessman who now acts as the Argentina forward’s adviser and also the fact they only potentially exist in a multidimensional parallel universe in L-space.

However the Premier League have sought to investigate  and have called upon one of the World’s biggest boffins to ensure that no element of any third-party agreement in any  new deal can potentially threaten the Space-Time continuum, as one of British football’s most convoluted and complicated transfer sagas finally comes to an end.

Professor Hawking, speaking at a convention for fans of 80s educational toy ‘Speak ‘n’ Spell’, explained “For years I have posited the existence of theoretical contracts and metaphysical ‘third party’ elements and now, finally, I have the chance to examine one in reality. I am grateful to the Premier League to allow me to work on this intriguing, unique and unstable example of this phenomena.”

His publishers confirmed the rumours that they would be publishing the wheelchair bound egghead’s findings in an unintelligible coffee table book provisionally titled “A Brief History of Tevez”.

A Sheffield United spokesman also commented that they have a legal team prepared and ready to go depending on Professor Hawkings findings.


Man City complete Santa Claus deal

June 23, 2009
Striking sensation Santa signs for City

Striking sensation Santa signs for City

Man City announced today that they have finalised the transfer of Santa Claus from Finnish team, FC Christmas, after the rotund striker passed a medical.

Negotiations had stalled over Claus’s insistence that City change the traditional light blue colour of their home shirts, however progress was made when the City board agreed to a new away kit featuring ‘St Nick’s’ favoured red with white trim colour scheme.

Temporary City boss, Mark Hughes, praised the new signing, “He’s someone that we’ve been watching for a long time, not only does he have a proven track record all across Europe but he can be relied to provide top quality delivery and he’s great in the air with huge presence”.

The fee is believed to be in the region of £17million, he became a target for City after their takeover by the mysteriously shadowy and ridiculously wealthy Abu Dhabi United group who had an offer turned down in the January transfer window due to Claus needing time to recover from a hectic Festive schedule.

Critics of the deal, including some City fans, had pointed out that the fee is a huge amount to spend on an unfit, morbidly obese, old man who lacks belief and who’s best days are probably behind him, but once it was pointed out that they hadn’t bought Mark Viduka most agreed that it was a good move for the club.

Chief Executive, Gary Cook, defended the deal stating that although the fee may seem high it did also include a “Santa Clause” which granted the Manchester club exclusive image rights, meaning that any company, film or TV programme featuring St Nick would have to pay them royalties, which Cook claims will give a projected income of £2.7billion every year or enough for 150 Glenn Johnsons.

Liverpool name new Managing Director

June 22, 2009



Crowds gather to watch the unveiling of Liverpool's new MD

Crowds gather to watch the unveiling of Liverpool's new MD

Liverpool today named Christian Purslow, 45, as their new managing director who will take overall charge of the club until a suitably useless replacement for outgoing chief executive and former head of the Premier League, Rick Parry, is found.

Mr Purslow has a degree from Cambridge,  an MBA from Harvard Business School and a Liverpool season ticket holder, although it has been rumoured that he bought them all on E-bay from a man in Singapore.

He speaks fluent Spanish and has an extensive knowledge of overpriced mediocre Primera Liga players and so will liaise with manager Rafael Benitez on his summer signings.

Co-owner George Gillett told the club’s official website. “There’s a lot to get done and Christian will be a valuable addition to the team… unlike most of Rafa’s on field signings!”

“Tom Hicks and I felt that it was important to put a highly experienced and respected executive in place to run the club and support the senior team and the manager but in the end we could only convince Christian to take on the role,” he said.

Co-owner Hicks added: “Christian has been a great supporter of the club for… oooh… at least three years, and in that time, since the Champions  League win in Istanbul, he’s built up great relationships at Anfield.” 

“His strategic and commercial acumen will be a real asset and we’re delighted that he has made a long term commitment to the club. Now all we need to do is brainwok his ideas into the mix, step them up to the plate and fly them from the flagpole to see which way the Soccerball is headed” he added before descending into a torrent of business jargon which made about as much sense as a plot explanation from a time travel episode of ‘Star Trek – The Next Generation’.

Purslow is an executive board member and co-founder of private equity firm MidOcean Partners, his knowledge of football comes from his extensive collection of “Shoot” magazines from the 1980s and watching Sky Sport’s coverage of La Liga.

BBC3 issues apology for constant droning noise during it’s Confeds Cup coverage

June 17, 2009

VuvuzelasA spokesman for BBC3 today issued a formal apology to viewers of it’s Confederations Cup coverage regarding the incessant droning noise during the matches, which unusually for BBC football coverage was not, for once, coming from Mark Lawrenson, but rather the strange and annoying plastic horns which have been distributed to the uninterested crowds.

He explained that the intensely irritating whine was being produced by the crowd using “Vuvuzelas”, a type of  horn which is meant to sound like the trumpeting of an elephant but which is actually more reminiscent of swarm of angry mosquitos buzzing inches from your head.

Representations have been made to FIFA with the BBC Sport’s Head of Football, Niall Sloane, telling the sport’s governing body “The audience will switch off in droves if this constant noise is allowed at the World Cup. It’s going to be hard enough encouraging people to watch Togo versus Paraguay as it is without this racket being allowed, we’ve already seen from ITV’s use of David Pleat as a summariser and subsequent drop in ratings, that audiences will not put up with this sort of thing.”

However a representative for the South African footballing authorities promoting the meaningless kickabout claimed  “The ‘Vuvuzelas’ are an important part of South African soccer culture. There’s nothing more that fans of the Bafana Bafana like to do than piss off everyone else in the stadium and the watching world by blowing into a cheap, tacky bugle for hours on end. We South Africans are known throughout the world for being loud and obnoxious so why would we change the habits of a lifetime on our own soil?”

FIFA are expected to make a decision on the possible banning of the controversial instruments as soon as they get the results of a legal report into whether they can have the sole rights to marketing them.

Michael Owen’s agents book 1 hour spot on QVC

June 16, 2009


Michaeh Owen yesterday

Michael Owen yesterday

In a bold effort to sell injury prone, charisma blackhole, Michael Owen,  his agents, Wasserman Media Group, have booked a primetime one hour spot on home shopping channel QVC.

The “Super Striker Special” will air 7pm on wednesday and be presented by James, from this year’s Apprentice, and Sky Sports presenter, Kelly Dalglish, with the dynamic duo extolling the virtues of the impish Newcastle United forward.

They will show footage of all his most memorable moments for England and Liverpool, mostly a seemingly endless montage of his 1998 World Cup goal against Argentina, with his turbulent time at Real Madrid and Newcastle relegated to a brief  1 minute epilogue to be broadcast as the end credits roll.

Owen’s desperation to move from the beleaguered North East club has led to his management company using ever more imaginative ways to advertise their client’s skills to football clubs in the Premier League, including a set of adverts featuring Barry Scott, of Cillit Bang fame, and Michael Winner (“Calm down dear, it’s only a tweaked hamstring”) which were shown during “Coronation Street” last night.

They have also produced a 34 page glossy brochure called “The Michael Owen Experience”, which is being given away with copies of next weekend’s “Sunday Times”. It features a fold-out middle page spread featuring all of little Michael’s many injuries and how they have been treated prior to him coming back too soon and rupturing them all over again.

It also includes detailed charts and statistics, provided by WMG’s highly paid sports scientists, proving that his decrease in pace is, in fact, an optical illusion due to the poor air quality in the North East and that actually, believe it or not, he has managed to last the full 90 minutes of a match on at least 4 occasions in the last two years.

Michael Owen is available on a free transfer and is, according to his agents, willing to listen to offers in the region of £50,000 per week after they told him that no-one, not even Man. City, were going to be prepared to match his £110,000 per week wages for a fragile, gnomic, hasbeen.

Capello announces team to face Andorra

June 10, 2009

Dads Army In a pre-match press conference for tonight’s Wembley World Cup qualifier against Andorra, Three Lions supremo, Fabio Capello, has announced that he will be recalling some of England’s ‘Old Guard’.

He confirmed rumours that both David Beckham and Gary Neville would start, despite the former being on a yellow card and both lacking in match fitness.

“Andorra is a country with a population of about 23,000, in theory I should be able to pick 11 Englishmen from the Wembley crowd who would be able to beat them!” Capello explained to the bored hacks who were desperate for any morsel of interest about tonight’s walkover. 

“As it is” continued the immaculately dress Italian “I have selected an England team made up of all the players I’m not really that bothered about but who are good enough to beat the team put in front of us, which could’ve been pretty much any Englishman who plays in the Premier League. Andorra are so bad that I was even tempted to give a call up to Titus Bramble” laughed the England boss.

Before tonight’s match there will be a medal giving ceremony to the eleven non-playing members of the 1966 World Cup winning squad, including popular Radio 5Live pundit, Jimmy Armfield.

It is believed that they had volunteered their services to play the match for England but Capello had baulked at their combined age of 904 although he did remark that he did comment that ‘they would have the experience to see us through and could probably all still move as quickly as David Beckham’.

Ronaldo decries Kaka move as a “publicity stunt”

June 9, 2009


Kaka and Ronaldo in action for their former teams

Kaka and Ronaldo in action for their former teams

Publicity shy Cristiano Ronaldo, today decried Brazilian superstar, Kaka’s, record breaking €65million transfer to Real Madrid  from AC Milan as nothing more than a “publicity stunt”, revealing that only when new Real president, Florentino Perez, has bought him from Manchester United, will Los Merengues truly have entered a new era of the Galacticos.

“Everyone knows” explained the greasy haired winger to the gathered melée of  hacks desperate to fill acres of football columns with idle tittle tattle, “that the only two truly World Class players are me and Messi and out of the two of us who is the prettiest?  Who is going to attract the most teenage girls and gay men to support Real Madrid, a team normally associated with Franco and Fascism? I’ll tell you it’s not little Lionel, even his nickname is crap, ‘The Flea’, that’s something that thrives in a dog’s anus not at the Bernabeu”.

“Madrid have bought Kaka, and fair enough he’s a good player, but he’s a God fearing Brazilian, do they really think his signing is going to keep the gossip mags and the tabloids happy? Also they are talking about signing Franck Ribery from Bayern, but how can he play in a team which professes to play the ‘Beautiful Game’?”