Michael Owen’s agents book 1 hour spot on QVC

 

Michaeh Owen yesterday

Michael Owen yesterday

In a bold effort to sell injury prone, charisma blackhole, Michael Owen,  his agents, Wasserman Media Group, have booked a primetime one hour spot on home shopping channel QVC.

The “Super Striker Special” will air 7pm on wednesday and be presented by James, from this year’s Apprentice, and Sky Sports presenter, Kelly Dalglish, with the dynamic duo extolling the virtues of the impish Newcastle United forward.

They will show footage of all his most memorable moments for England and Liverpool, mostly a seemingly endless montage of his 1998 World Cup goal against Argentina, with his turbulent time at Real Madrid and Newcastle relegated to a brief  1 minute epilogue to be broadcast as the end credits roll.

Owen’s desperation to move from the beleaguered North East club has led to his management company using ever more imaginative ways to advertise their client’s skills to football clubs in the Premier League, including a set of adverts featuring Barry Scott, of Cillit Bang fame, and Michael Winner (“Calm down dear, it’s only a tweaked hamstring”) which were shown during “Coronation Street” last night.

They have also produced a 34 page glossy brochure called “The Michael Owen Experience”, which is being given away with copies of next weekend’s “Sunday Times”. It features a fold-out middle page spread featuring all of little Michael’s many injuries and how they have been treated prior to him coming back too soon and rupturing them all over again.

It also includes detailed charts and statistics, provided by WMG’s highly paid sports scientists, proving that his decrease in pace is, in fact, an optical illusion due to the poor air quality in the North East and that actually, believe it or not, he has managed to last the full 90 minutes of a match on at least 4 occasions in the last two years.

Michael Owen is available on a free transfer and is, according to his agents, willing to listen to offers in the region of £50,000 per week after they told him that no-one, not even Man. City, were going to be prepared to match his £110,000 per week wages for a fragile, gnomic, hasbeen.

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