Archive for July 2009

Sven appointed Director of Rumpy-Pumpy at Notts County

July 22, 2009


Sven gives two thumbs up to the Nottingham ladies

Sven gives two thumbs up to the Nottingham ladies

Swedish love god and sometime football manager, Sven Goran Erikkson, has been appointed Director of Rumpy-Pumpy at League Two club, Notts County.

The former England, Manchester City and Mexico headcoach, and ex-paramour of fellow Swede Ulrika Johnson and curvaceous, former FA secretary and office bike, Faria Alam, has today been confirmed as joining the backroom staff of the Meadow Lane club.

In an interview with gathered journalists the bespectacled lothario said “It is well known that Nottingham has a female to male ratio of 4:1, this is why the University is so popular with boys, as even a spotty lad who’s hit every branch on his fall from the ugly tree can get a bit of action in this town.”

“To be honest” he continued “since I went to Mexico I’ve had a bit of a barren spell, Nancy left me, and thanks to their strict religious upbringing and aversion to palid, Scandinavian men in tight Speedos, the Mexican babes gave me a wide berth. So I thought, where better to go than England, somewhere where I’ve always had great success, off the field if not necessarily on it! And in England, where better to go than Nottingham, a city that is renowned for it’s quantity and quality of loose women. If I can’t score here then I might as well chop off little Svenis and post it back to Malmö”.

Eriksson, has been lured to the East Midlands club by a Middle East-backed consortium called Munto Finance, although Erikkson joked “They are not the first ‘Munto’ to lure me somewhere”.

His  package will be the subject of much conjecture but a spokesman said it would “largely be determined by the success of Notts County” on the pitch. His duties will include overseeing all the hiring of female staff at the club and selecting various young, attractive female fans to entertain him and fellow corporate members in his executive suite. He will be joined by his trusted assistant and masturbatory technique soundalike , Tord Grip.


Gerrard in court to face affray charges

July 20, 2009


Steven Gerrard wears an old FA Cup Final suit to court

Steven Gerrard wears an old FA Cup Final suit to court

Liverpool captain, Steven “Stevie G” Gerrard, attended court today to face a charge of ‘causing affray’ in a Southport nightclub in December of last year.

The scouse superstar is accused of starting a nightclub brawl that resulted in the injury of Southport man in the early hours of 29 December.

Businessman McGee suffered multiple injuries, including a head wound, a black eye, and a lost tooth during the scuffle believed to have been caused when Gerrard was asked to pass him his beer, a request which Gerrard carried out in his usual manner of passing it at high velocity and then blaming McGee when he failed to control the fast moving glass projectile.

Gerrard, 29, a father of two, was out with friends at The Lounge Inn wine bar in Southport, celebrating Liverpool’s 5-1 defeat of Newcastle United last season, when the fight broke out.

Six other defendants all players for non-league Accrington Stanley are all also facing the same charges of affray.

The melee was believed to have been exacerbated when Gerrard was introduced to the Stanley players and mockingly pronounced in a broad Liverpudlian accent “Accrington Stanley, who are dey?” before ordering them a round of milk.

The bar owner, who wished to remain unnamed, told police at the time, “Gerrard was unstoppable, despite being outnumbered he really gave 120% and displayed the fighting spirit from that epic Champions League Final comeback in Istanbul. It was an awesome display of manic, hyperactive energy and uncontrolled fury, exactly what he brings to Premier League matches.”

The trial is scheduled to last two weeks giving newspapers plenty of scope to fill their pages if they tire of making up outlandish transfer rumours.

Arsenal fan drives Emmanuel Adebayor to Eastlands to complete signing

July 19, 2009


Adebayor, pre-sulk

Adebayor, pre-sulk

Emmanuel Adebayor completed his £25million transfer this weekend after Arsenal fan, Kevin Sampson, offered to drive him from the Emirates Stadium to Eastlands if it meant that the Gunners could get rid of the sulky striker and pocket a large sum of Middle Eastern cash.

Kevin, 33, an Arsenal season ticket holder for 15 years, explained to gathered journalists “Arsenal have had a good few seasons now of listening to Adebayor moaning about this and that, whilst making ‘Come and get me eyes’ to AC Milan and more recently, Manchester City, and, to be honest, most fans were only too happy to see Mark Hughes pay a big wedge to take the guy off our hands. I wrote an e-mail to Arsene Wenger, saying that if it helped to seal the deal, I’d willingly drive him to Manchester myself and, much to my surprise, he accepted my offer.” 

Several City fans welcomed the striker after he completed a medical and signed a five-year-deal worth £150,000-a-week, and Adebayor explained his motivation for the move “Mark Hughes made me feel really special and offered me the sort of money that dwarfs a Banker’s bonus! I can’t wait to play for City’s fans and show them what I can do. I promise to give 100% and score goals for the first couple of months before  losing form and being dropped for Tevez. I then promise to revert to type and moan sulkily before making overtures to Milan in time for the January transfer window” said Adebayor. 

City’s Arab owners have embarked on a ludicrous spending spree this summer, and Adebayor is the third forward to join, following the arrivals of  Santa Claus and Carlos Tevez. Those signings have created a groundswell of overblown optimism that City could possibly do better than last season’s 10th place and maybe, after spending shitloads of money, even qualify for the prestigious Europa Cup.

Former England No.1, Ben Foster, announces retirement

July 16, 2009

Ben Foster when he played for EnglandFormer England Goalkeeper Ben Foster announced his retirement from football today by confirming he has signed a new 4-year deal with Manchester United

Despite rumours linking him with the number 1’s jersey at Tottenham, the former Stoke stopper has elected to call it quits on a once-promising career and instead spend the next few years watching pyjama wearing Pole, Tomasz Kuszczak sit on the bench watching Edwin Van der Saar keep goal for the current English Champions before being sadly and predictably dumped in favour of the next next-big-thing.

“It was a tough decision to make, but ultimately the lure of showing absolutely no ambition and allowing my status of being in any way associated with Manchester United help me pull the birds proved too strong to resist. I can’t wait for pre-season training to start tomorrow so I can make sure the cones and bibs are all set out right nice and that”.

Foster has followed in the great tradition of promising, young England goalkeepers moving to big clubs too early in their career, to join the goalkeeper graveyard along with the likes of Richard Wright, Joe Hart and Steve Simonsen, a player who ruined his career so completely by joining Everton from Tranmere Rovers for £3million, that no-one actually knows who he is or remembers him ever existing.


This exclusive was brought to you by guest correspondent, David Oudot, who’s excellent blog can be found by clicking on the following link

Nike launch new Premier League ball

July 14, 2009


Nike's latest, high tech inflated pig's bladder

Nike's latest, high tech inflated pig's bladder

Nike today unveiled their latest assault on the wallets of gullible football fans with the launch of the new T90 Ascente ball, which in a complete change with tradition is round, mostly white and has some pseudo-technological design which makes it look as if it was merchandise from the latest “Transformers” film that even McDonald’s thought was too tacky to give away with happy meals.

A Nike spokesman claimed that the new ball’s design and graphics would enable players to see the ball earlier because it features ‘flicker’ technology which is specially designed to show up in the players peripheral vision. According to their tests it allows the players to react to the ball up to 2 picoseconds sooner, and it only causes nausea and epileptic  seizures in 0.4% of the population.

Nike also claims that the ball is rounder than ever before and the surface is dimpled causing it to move faster through the air, Nike ball designer, Raphael Ortega, explained “The ball is textured like a golf ball enabling even talentless players to put spin on it, kick it just off centre and it’ll swerve like a bastard. This ball is going to make goalkeepers look like the twats that they are.”

“Thanks to our close association with NASA we’ve been able to include modern aerodynamic technology meaning that if you kick this baby in the sweet spot it will actually accelerate through the air, gaining speed in a direct contradiction of Newton’s Third Law of Motion”.

However despite Nike’s assurances that this will be the best ball ever, even better than classics like the Tango ball, the Mitre one with the red stripe and the beautiful white one with black hexagons which everyone agrees is how a proper football should look, some players, especially goalkeepers are skeptical.

Paul Robinson, Blackburn’s goalkeeper, has gone on record as saying “These new balls are a nightmare, every year they get a bit lighter and they do something to them that gives them all the predictability of a pissed up driver on a skid pan, making life a misery for top notch keepers like me. Why can’t we go back to the old leather balls with the laces which strikers struggled to kick more than 12 yards?”

The T90 Ascente will be produced in three different variants, “Hyper manic” for the Premier League, “Super control” for La Liga and “Distinctly average” for Serie A, each costing a whopping £85.

Chelsea parade new star signing

July 8, 2009
Ace stopper Ross Turnbull

Ace stopper Ross Turnbull

In an effort to trump Real Madrid’s overblown unveiling of World Record signing, Cristiano Ronaldo, yesterday, Chelsea have presented new 3rd choice goalkeeper, ex-Middlesbrough stopper, Ross Turnbull, to an adoring crowd of 20,000 fans at The O2 Arena which had recently become free and was hired specially for the event.

Turnbull was presented to the feverishly excited fans by  Chelsea chief executive and Manchester United turncoat, Peter Kenyon, who claimed that with the signing of the Middlesbrough reserve custodian, they were sending out a message to the Premier League and beyond.

Turnbull told the assembled congregation “I am very happy to have been bought by one of World Football’s biggest clubs and I believe that I have been selected with a view to usurping Petr Cech from his position as No.1 and certainly not because of UEFA’s new rules pertaining to the number of foreigners that you are allowed in your Champions League squad. I can’t wait till my first match in the League Cup or possibly a dead rubber in one of the Champions League group matches.”

Due to his transfer it is believed that Turnbull could well force his way into Fabio Capello’s England plans, even though relegated Middlesbrough thought he wasn’t as good as Brad Jones.

During the two hour long ceremony Turnbull, who is expected to be given the prestigious number 42 shirt, played catch with a group of specially selected school children and was presented with his Chelsea kit by Stamford Bridge legend, Dave Beasant.

Ronaldo unveiled in front of 80,000 adoring morons

July 7, 2009


Real unveiled World's Biggest Twat

Real unveil World's Biggest Twat

Real Madrid today presented new signing, and übertwat, Cristiano Ronaldo, to an adoring crowd of 80,000 retarded Madrileños in an extravagant  ceremony which involved the Portuguese star being shot out of a Golden cannon, through a flaming hoop made of €5 notes and into a cage containing two Siberian snow leopards before being strapped into a jetpack and hovering above delirious fans in the famous Bernabeu stadium.

Real President, the megalomaniacal, Perez, announced to the gathered imbeciles, “This is the biggest thing ever to happen in the history of mankind! The evolution of man has been building to this moment, the moment when Real Madrid, the most successful football club in the World can annouce that, despite having won nothing of any consequence for some time, we can spunk our money up the wall with the best of them, in fact better than anyone else and we don’t even need rich Middle Eastern despots or Russian gangsters to do it. Are you watching Manchester City?”

The presentation lasted over an hour and involved the ex-Manchester United player showing off his ball juggling skills, signing a small boy’s balls and healing several dozen specially chosen invalids.

It was the biggest event of this kind since Maradona’s transfer to Napoli almost exactly 25 years previously, and Perez will be hoping that Ronaldo will replicate the Argentine superstars success, although perhaps without the drug taking, the weight gain and the general hanging around with ‘bad sorts’.

Fiorentino Perez also used the presentation as an opportunity to unveil Real Madrid’s new kit which is made from pure white platinum leaf with gold stitching and costs €25,000 per shirt. He also denied rumours that Real were seeking to become the first footballing nuclear power and that planned pre-season trips to Iran and North Korea were purely promotional and had nothing to do with attempting buy atomic weapons grade plutonium.