Archive for August 2009

Producers of BBC’s “The Football League Show” launch inquiry into ‘Woman-on-the-shitter-gate”

August 10, 2009
Not exactly Torquay vs Chesterfield

Not exactly Torquay vs Chesterfield

Producers of the BBC’s much heralded new saturday night soccer programme ,”The Football League Show”, have today announced that they will be launching an in-depth and far reaching inquiry into how last Saturday’s show came to be interrupted by several minutes of footage of a women, knickers round her ankles, sitting on the toilet.

The incident happened during the League Two round up and disrupted coverage of Torquay’s return to Football League action, after two years in the Blue Square Premier, against Chesterfield.

A spokesman for the BBC apologised and said “The highlights were interrupted for a few seconds due to a technical hitch, we believe that Ian Holloway had got temporarily distracted by the inanity of the viewers texts and e-mails and idly started fiddling with a remote control which may have resulted in the live feed being changed to that of the ITV saturday night movie thriller “Micturating Women”.

He continued “We apologise for any distress caused to our viewers, but considering they’d already put up with over 50 minutes of Manish Bhasin’s bizarre shouting and staring wildy at the camera, the viewers comments section with the woman in the isolation chamber which actually lowered your IQ as you listened to it and that permatanned grinning fool, Mark Clemins, off of Radio 5Live brown nosing Peter Ridsdale, I don’t think the sight of an attractive blonde relieving herself would’ve put them off. And, unlike those klutzes at ITV, at least we didn’t miss the all important winning goal after 120 minutes of soul destroying bore draw by cutting to an ad break.”

After the incident, the League Two highlights continued before handing back to the main studio, a cross between the London stock market trading floor and NASA mission control, where a slightly sheepish looking Bhasin gave expert nonsense talkers, Ollie and Claridge, a filthy look before standing in front of some bizzare giant blue screen display of the league tables and spouting the same phrase “and they’re the bookies favourite” over and over again.

Wednesday night sees the BBC’s coverage of the prestigious Carling Cup and fans up and down the country will be tuning in expectantly to see what idiocy awaits.

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Arsenal and Celtic are drawn together in Champions League Qualifier

August 7, 2009

 

Arsene Wenger's spitfire prepares to shoot down Tony Mowbray's Messerschmit 109

Arsene Wenger's spitfire prepares to shoot down Tony Mowbray's Messerschmit 109

British journalists celebrated today as Arsenal and Celtic were drawn together in the otherwise completely tedious qualifying round of the stupifyingly dull, so-called Champions League.

Hacks everywhere were delighted with the draw which took place at UEFA’s fortified underground bunker in Switzerland, allowing them to dust off all those tired old “Battle of Britain’ clichés which have been used for every meeting of English and Scottish teams in European football since 1961.

Ignoring the fact that the original, and best, “Battle of Britain” involved the German Luftwaffe and the UK’s Royal Air Force in a hard-fought, no quarters given fight for survival, in one of the most intense air warfare campaigns in history, not a 4th placed English club struggling to catch up in the current financial arms race of the Premier League and the losers of the Scottish Old Firm League, media analysts and commentators will be obliged to follow convention and use the name to describe this two legged match up which will result in one team progressing into the licence-to-print-money group stage.

Celtic, who amazingly reached the play-offs with a dramatic 2-0 victory against Dinamo Moscow in Russia, their first away win in Europe since the ‘Lisbon Lions’ won the European Cup in 1967, will host the first leg at Parkhead on either 18/19 August with the return league being played at the atmosphere vacuum that is the Emirates, a week later.

The Sun newspaper is already believed to have knocked up a hastily photoshopped picture of Arsene Wenger and Tony Mowray dressed as Air Chief Marshal Hugh Dowding and Herman Goering, dogfighting in a Spitfire and a Messerschmitt painted in the relevant teams colours, whilst one of their features writers has been asked to write an article describing Nicklas Bendtner as football’s answer to Douglas Bader.