Arsenal and Celtic are drawn together in Champions League Qualifier


Arsene Wenger's spitfire prepares to shoot down Tony Mowbray's Messerschmit 109

Arsene Wenger's spitfire prepares to shoot down Tony Mowbray's Messerschmit 109

British journalists celebrated today as Arsenal and Celtic were drawn together in the otherwise completely tedious qualifying round of the stupifyingly dull, so-called Champions League.

Hacks everywhere were delighted with the draw which took place at UEFA’s fortified underground bunker in Switzerland, allowing them to dust off all those tired old “Battle of Britain’ clichés which have been used for every meeting of English and Scottish teams in European football since 1961.

Ignoring the fact that the original, and best, “Battle of Britain” involved the German Luftwaffe and the UK’s Royal Air Force in a hard-fought, no quarters given fight for survival, in one of the most intense air warfare campaigns in history, not a 4th placed English club struggling to catch up in the current financial arms race of the Premier League and the losers of the Scottish Old Firm League, media analysts and commentators will be obliged to follow convention and use the name to describe this two legged match up which will result in one team progressing into the licence-to-print-money group stage.

Celtic, who amazingly reached the play-offs with a dramatic 2-0 victory against Dinamo Moscow in Russia, their first away win in Europe since the ‘Lisbon Lions’ won the European Cup in 1967, will host the first leg at Parkhead on either 18/19 August with the return league being played at the atmosphere vacuum that is the Emirates, a week later.

The Sun newspaper is already believed to have knocked up a hastily photoshopped picture of Arsene Wenger and Tony Mowray dressed as Air Chief Marshal Hugh Dowding and Herman Goering, dogfighting in a Spitfire and a Messerschmitt painted in the relevant teams colours, whilst one of their features writers has been asked to write an article describing Nicklas Bendtner as football’s answer to Douglas Bader.

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