Archive for September 2009

Sol Campbell leaves Notts County

September 23, 2009
Chas 'n' Dave, pictured in happier times

Chas 'n' Dave, pictured in happier times

Sol Campbell’s agent has confirmed to “Festival of Football” that the player has agreed to leave League Two side Notts County after playing only one match.

The ex-Spurs and England man is believed to have made the decision upon hearing the news that popular Cockney knees up merchants, ‘Chas ‘n’ Dave’ had split up yesterday.

Reading from a pre-prepared statement, Sol’s spokesman said “Sol has always been a big fan of ‘Chas ‘n’ Dave’, especially during his time at Tottenham Hotspurs, where they would often be invited to play at club functions, and he believes that it would be wrong for him, at this time of great sadness, to be playing football for Notts County. Sol would like it to be known that he is prepared to join Chas Hodges, in this hour of darkness, and play guitar, he is even prepared to change his name to Dave Campbell if this means that the legend of ‘Chas ‘n’ Dave’ can go on”

The former Pompey stopper, 34, is believed to have been practising his axemanship on ‘Guitar Hero’ for quite some time and was always looking to move into the music business once his playing career had come to a natural end. However the opportunity to work with his pop idol, Chas Hodges, has proved to be too much of a lure and he is believed to be prepared to rip up his £40,000 a week, 5 year deal with Sven’s County in order to pursue his dream of touring the pubs and clubs of the UK, belting out “Margate”, “Rabbit” and “Snooker Loopy”.

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FA cancel all leave for Disciplinary Department personnel

September 22, 2009
LordTriesman, Head of the FA

LordTriesman, Head of the FA

Lord Triesman, today confirmed that all leave for staff working in the Disciplinary Department had been cancelled in order to help clear the massive backlog of cases being brought before them.

With the current flare-ups involving Craig Bellamy and Gary Neville during the Manchester derby and El Hadj Diouf’s racial abuse of a ball boy during Blackburn’s match at Goodison Park, along with recent cases including the “Adebayor incident” and Eduardo’s much debated diving, the Head of the FA admitted that despite being the 2nd biggest department at the FA, after Merchandising and Money-grabbing, the disciplinary staff were currently so overworked that the committees would be sitting well into next season if this continued.

“An increase in footballer twatty-ness along with supporters constantly looking for something to get the arse about, combined with the media’s desire to blow everything up out of all proportion, means that we have seen the number of cases brought before us increase by 110% in the last season”

“It used to be that a footballer had to break another player’s jaw with a right hook, or jump into the crowd to molest a small puppy, in order to be brought to book but now it only takes Craig Bellamy to celebrate a goal whilst vaguely looking a bit like a plane and supporters are up in arms claiming that he’s desecrating the memory of the players who died in the Munich air crash whilst simultaneously shitting on the graves of Princess Di and Patrick Swayze, it’s madness” he continued.

“At this rate we’ll have to get some work experience kids in to examine the lower profile cases, or anything that doesn’t involve a player from the ‘Big Four’ or Manchester City”.

The statisticians at Prozone have predicted that if this current trend contines all Premier League footballers will be suspended for at least one game sometime during the 2013-2014 season.

Experts predict Keane eruption ‘before Christmas’

September 7, 2009
  

Roy Keane, not at all happy

Roy Keane, not at all happy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vulcanologists have issued a warning today that temperamental Ipswich Town boss, Roy Keane, is due to erupt ‘imminently’ after lying dormant for well over a year. 

His last eruption, during his bust up with Sunderland chairman, Niall Quinn, measured 6.7 on the Richter Scale and could be felt as far away as Lincolnshire.

This latest forecast predicts that any Ipswich based explosion might well be exceed that figure for both ferocity and length and may even come close to his Mick McCarthy inspired “Up Yer Bollocks” tirade in Saipan just before the 2002 World Cup which is believed to have caused several buildings to partially collapse and had aftershocks which were reportedly felt in his hometown of Cork.

Ipswich Town, currently without a win in the Championship, and looking increasingly unlikely to mount a promotion challenge, appear to be testing the limited patience of the ex-Manchester United star, and his ragtag collection of ex-Sunderland players and unproven Irish youngsters need to win some games and win fast, warned head Vulcanologist, Dr Leonard Spock, of the London Institute for Eruptions and Explosions.

“To be honest” explained Dr Spock, “this has been on the cards as soon as the appointment of Keane was announced, but even us experts have been surprised at the speed at which the pressure levels inside Keane have risen to dangerously volatile levels. Most of us weren’t expecting an eruption until 2010 at the earliest. I would suggest that any fans heading to future Town games avoid sitting anywhere within a possible blast radius and expect secondary eruptions even if all appears calm.”