Archive for October 2009

England match to be shown exclusively on Ceefax

October 8, 2009

Ceefax, the internet but with less porn

Ceefax, the internet but with less porn

The Ukrainian FA today confirmed that the exclusive rights to saturdays World Cup qualifier have been sold to the BBC’s ancient text information service Ceefax.

The rights to the match, which is now almost meaningless to England as the team have already qualified for next year’s World Cup in South Africa, had been bought by the, now bankrupt, Carlos Santana sports channel, but due to the collapse of the Irish broadcasters the rights were re-sold.

A surprise bid of £10 by the BBC’s text service, more famous for it’s “Bamboozle” puzzle pages and pisspoor jokes, such as “How to go to the toilet” by I.P.Freely, secured the rights to the match as there was no interest from any other broadcaster, as it’s believed no-one in England now gives a monkey’s and everyone will be tuning into “Strictly Come Dancing” to see if Anton Dubec calls Bruno Tonioli a “poof” or uses more racially inflammatory language to describe his dance partners new tan.

The service, as well as updating the scoreline on an annoyingly infrequent basis, will also be unveiling it’s revolutionary “Blockball” graphics system which will show a low resolution image of the pitch and have the players represented by either red (England) or yellow (Ukraine) pixels.

A version of this system was first used in the early 1980s, when it provided revolutionary coverage of the annual University Boat Race between Cambridge and Oxford. A BBC boffin constructed a Ceefax page showing the route of the course using the graphics usually used for building the weather maps. Two dots then represented the boats and they were moved across the screen to track the crews once the race got under way. Despite getting, literally, tens of viewers this technological breakthrough was mothballed until it was realised that a variant could be used to bring previously unavailable live football to the masses.

The live match coverage will be available to anyone with Ceefax on page 311 starting at 5pm.

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Michael Owen appointed Apple’s ‘Football Ambassador’

October 1, 2009

Manchester United superstar Michael Owen

Manchester United superstar Michael Owen

Michael Owen’s agent has today confirmed that the diminutive goalgrabber has been appointed by hi-tech firm, Apple, as their “Football Ambassador” in a sponsorship deal believed to be worth several million pounds.

According to a representative from Apple, who explained “Michael Owen perfectly encapsulates the qualities of the Apple brand and is an aspirational icon who communicates deeply with our core audience of people in the 20-40 year old bracket, who despite the current economic woes, still have a high disposable income that they are prepared to waste on stylish, but, ultimately pointless technological trinkets.”

“He’s been a player who has constantly been able to re-invent himself whilst staying at the top of his game. People have paid vastly over the odds for him, when they could’ve bought cheaper, but less glamorous and stylish players, who would’ve done the same job and, of course, here at Apple we admire his in built obsolescence and the way that he is able to break down just after someone has spunked a huge amount of money on him. We think this ability, over all his other brand values, makes him the perfect ambassador for our products, especially the iPod range.”

Apple have also announced that there will be a new “Michael Owen Super Soccer” app released for the iPhone which will allow users to recreate the strikers career, beginning with his sensational goal at the 1998 World Cup and then gradually moving on to his succession of injury rehabilitation’s with Real Madrid, Newcastle and Manchester United, before allowing you to finally concentrate on managing his property portfolio in Dubai and checking the horse racing results.