Posted tagged ‘Arsene Wenger’

Arsenal and Celtic are drawn together in Champions League Qualifier

August 7, 2009


Arsene Wenger's spitfire prepares to shoot down Tony Mowbray's Messerschmit 109

Arsene Wenger's spitfire prepares to shoot down Tony Mowbray's Messerschmit 109

British journalists celebrated today as Arsenal and Celtic were drawn together in the otherwise completely tedious qualifying round of the stupifyingly dull, so-called Champions League.

Hacks everywhere were delighted with the draw which took place at UEFA’s fortified underground bunker in Switzerland, allowing them to dust off all those tired old “Battle of Britain’ clichés which have been used for every meeting of English and Scottish teams in European football since 1961.

Ignoring the fact that the original, and best, “Battle of Britain” involved the German Luftwaffe and the UK’s Royal Air Force in a hard-fought, no quarters given fight for survival, in one of the most intense air warfare campaigns in history, not a 4th placed English club struggling to catch up in the current financial arms race of the Premier League and the losers of the Scottish Old Firm League, media analysts and commentators will be obliged to follow convention and use the name to describe this two legged match up which will result in one team progressing into the licence-to-print-money group stage.

Celtic, who amazingly reached the play-offs with a dramatic 2-0 victory against Dinamo Moscow in Russia, their first away win in Europe since the ‘Lisbon Lions’ won the European Cup in 1967, will host the first leg at Parkhead on either 18/19 August with the return league being played at the atmosphere vacuum that is the Emirates, a week later.

The Sun newspaper is already believed to have knocked up a hastily photoshopped picture of Arsene Wenger and Tony Mowray dressed as Air Chief Marshal Hugh Dowding and Herman Goering, dogfighting in a Spitfire and a Messerschmitt painted in the relevant teams colours, whilst one of their features writers has been asked to write an article describing Nicklas Bendtner as football’s answer to Douglas Bader.


Arsenal fan drives Emmanuel Adebayor to Eastlands to complete signing

July 19, 2009


Adebayor, pre-sulk

Adebayor, pre-sulk

Emmanuel Adebayor completed his £25million transfer this weekend after Arsenal fan, Kevin Sampson, offered to drive him from the Emirates Stadium to Eastlands if it meant that the Gunners could get rid of the sulky striker and pocket a large sum of Middle Eastern cash.

Kevin, 33, an Arsenal season ticket holder for 15 years, explained to gathered journalists “Arsenal have had a good few seasons now of listening to Adebayor moaning about this and that, whilst making ‘Come and get me eyes’ to AC Milan and more recently, Manchester City, and, to be honest, most fans were only too happy to see Mark Hughes pay a big wedge to take the guy off our hands. I wrote an e-mail to Arsene Wenger, saying that if it helped to seal the deal, I’d willingly drive him to Manchester myself and, much to my surprise, he accepted my offer.” 

Several City fans welcomed the striker after he completed a medical and signed a five-year-deal worth £150,000-a-week, and Adebayor explained his motivation for the move “Mark Hughes made me feel really special and offered me the sort of money that dwarfs a Banker’s bonus! I can’t wait to play for City’s fans and show them what I can do. I promise to give 100% and score goals for the first couple of months before  losing form and being dropped for Tevez. I then promise to revert to type and moan sulkily before making overtures to Milan in time for the January transfer window” said Adebayor. 

City’s Arab owners have embarked on a ludicrous spending spree this summer, and Adebayor is the third forward to join, following the arrivals of  Santa Claus and Carlos Tevez. Those signings have created a groundswell of overblown optimism that City could possibly do better than last season’s 10th place and maybe, after spending shitloads of money, even qualify for the prestigious Europa Cup.