Posted tagged ‘Champions League’

Arsenal and Celtic are drawn together in Champions League Qualifier

August 7, 2009


Arsene Wenger's spitfire prepares to shoot down Tony Mowbray's Messerschmit 109

Arsene Wenger's spitfire prepares to shoot down Tony Mowbray's Messerschmit 109

British journalists celebrated today as Arsenal and Celtic were drawn together in the otherwise completely tedious qualifying round of the stupifyingly dull, so-called Champions League.

Hacks everywhere were delighted with the draw which took place at UEFA’s fortified underground bunker in Switzerland, allowing them to dust off all those tired old “Battle of Britain’ clichés which have been used for every meeting of English and Scottish teams in European football since 1961.

Ignoring the fact that the original, and best, “Battle of Britain” involved the German Luftwaffe and the UK’s Royal Air Force in a hard-fought, no quarters given fight for survival, in one of the most intense air warfare campaigns in history, not a 4th placed English club struggling to catch up in the current financial arms race of the Premier League and the losers of the Scottish Old Firm League, media analysts and commentators will be obliged to follow convention and use the name to describe this two legged match up which will result in one team progressing into the licence-to-print-money group stage.

Celtic, who amazingly reached the play-offs with a dramatic 2-0 victory against Dinamo Moscow in Russia, their first away win in Europe since the ‘Lisbon Lions’ won the European Cup in 1967, will host the first leg at Parkhead on either 18/19 August with the return league being played at the atmosphere vacuum that is the Emirates, a week later.

The Sun newspaper is already believed to have knocked up a hastily photoshopped picture of Arsene Wenger and Tony Mowray dressed as Air Chief Marshal Hugh Dowding and Herman Goering, dogfighting in a Spitfire and a Messerschmitt painted in the relevant teams colours, whilst one of their features writers has been asked to write an article describing Nicklas Bendtner as football’s answer to Douglas Bader.


Chelsea parade new star signing

July 8, 2009
Ace stopper Ross Turnbull

Ace stopper Ross Turnbull

In an effort to trump Real Madrid’s overblown unveiling of World Record signing, Cristiano Ronaldo, yesterday, Chelsea have presented new 3rd choice goalkeeper, ex-Middlesbrough stopper, Ross Turnbull, to an adoring crowd of 20,000 fans at The O2 Arena which had recently become free and was hired specially for the event.

Turnbull was presented to the feverishly excited fans by  Chelsea chief executive and Manchester United turncoat, Peter Kenyon, who claimed that with the signing of the Middlesbrough reserve custodian, they were sending out a message to the Premier League and beyond.

Turnbull told the assembled congregation “I am very happy to have been bought by one of World Football’s biggest clubs and I believe that I have been selected with a view to usurping Petr Cech from his position as No.1 and certainly not because of UEFA’s new rules pertaining to the number of foreigners that you are allowed in your Champions League squad. I can’t wait till my first match in the League Cup or possibly a dead rubber in one of the Champions League group matches.”

Due to his transfer it is believed that Turnbull could well force his way into Fabio Capello’s England plans, even though relegated Middlesbrough thought he wasn’t as good as Brad Jones.

During the two hour long ceremony Turnbull, who is expected to be given the prestigious number 42 shirt, played catch with a group of specially selected school children and was presented with his Chelsea kit by Stamford Bridge legend, Dave Beasant.

Champions League semi-final referee admits to denying Chelsea penalties ‘for a laugh’

May 7, 2009


Henning Ovrebo flees an over eager autograph hunter

Henning Ovrebo flees an over eager autograph hunter

In a boisterous post-match press conference after last night’s fractious Champions League semi-final second leg between Chelsea and Barcelona, Norwegian baldy referee Tom Henning Ovrebo answered questions regarding his denial of four penalty appeals by the home side by stating that he did it ‘for a laugh’.

“The thought” he continued “of all those overpaid primadonnas moaning and whinging like crazy about my failure to award them a penalty just made me chuckle to myself and I knew that most right minded football fans would also find it amusing to see serial loser Michael Ballack chasing me around the field like some sort of demented Benny Hill sketch.”

“I also thought that Didier Droga has long had the appearance of a man close to the edge, a bit like Michael Douglas’s character in the flip out classic ‘Falling Down’ and it would be a real feather in my cap to be the one to send him over the edge”.

In answer to accusations that he had been following UEFA orders to prevent a second successive Chelsea vs Manchester United final the glabrous Ovrebo just laughed maniacally stating that he wasn’t following any orders apart from his desire to become more famous than previous Chelsea favourite, Anders Frisk.

In a separate interview Barcelona boss, Pep Guardiola, barely constraining a fit of the giggles claimed that Barcelona had deserved to win, citing their domination of the possession, the fact that they are prettier and the fact that they have everyone’s favourite big game bottler, Lionel Messi, in their ranks.

Guus Hiddink was unavailable to comment but a Chelsea spokesman refused to accept the accusation that the Dutch tactical genius had been unduly cautious to remove Drogba and replace him with a midfielder after an already defensively depleted Barca were reduced to 10 men with the harsh sending off of Abidal.

“Obviously a team assembled for a cost of roughly £600million is going to hang onto a 1-0 lead against 10 men like some sort of non-league side who happen to be on the verge of a giant killing against a team several hundred places above them in the league pyramid, what else would you expect Chelsea to do, attack and score more goals? You, my friend, are living in a dream world!”

Modest Ronaldo describes goal as ‘the most beautiful thing in the history of the Universe’

April 16, 2009


Shy, retiring Ronaldo pictured yesterday

Shy, retiring Ronaldo pictured yesterday

In an interview to be published in celebrity footballer tossrag, ‘Icon’ magazine, greasy haired, perma-tanned playboy, Cristiano Ronaldo, described his winning goal from last night’s Champions league quarter-final, as “God like in it’s execution” and “celestial in it’s beauty”.

He also refuted reports that he is worried about being usurped from his position as numero uno, Latin gay pin-up in the Manchester United line up by the young Italian stallion, Frederico Macheda.

“This Frederico, he is an upstart, yes he has scored a couple of important goals which may prove vital in our title challenge but can he do the a series of pointless stepovers?”

“Can he over elaborate a cross in a multitude of meaningless ways? How many penalties has he artfully earnt by craftily tripping himself when running past a defender?”

“And can he afford to write off a £100,000 Ferrari by recklessly smashing it into the wall of a tunnel? No, I don’t think so!”

Despite rumours of unrest and disagreements with some of the Manchester United coaching staff, Ronaldo dismissed reports of him signing a pre-contract with Spanish giants, Real.

The Portuguese also announced that he will be promoting his own range of male fragrances called ‘Vanity’ which will be launched, at the end of the season, in Manchester, with a re-launch scheduled for Madrid in September.