Posted tagged ‘Cristiano Ronaldo’

Ronaldo unveiled in front of 80,000 adoring morons

July 7, 2009


Real unveiled World's Biggest Twat

Real unveil World's Biggest Twat

Real Madrid today presented new signing, and übertwat, Cristiano Ronaldo, to an adoring crowd of 80,000 retarded Madrileños in an extravagant  ceremony which involved the Portuguese star being shot out of a Golden cannon, through a flaming hoop made of €5 notes and into a cage containing two Siberian snow leopards before being strapped into a jetpack and hovering above delirious fans in the famous Bernabeu stadium.

Real President, the megalomaniacal, Perez, announced to the gathered imbeciles, “This is the biggest thing ever to happen in the history of mankind! The evolution of man has been building to this moment, the moment when Real Madrid, the most successful football club in the World can annouce that, despite having won nothing of any consequence for some time, we can spunk our money up the wall with the best of them, in fact better than anyone else and we don’t even need rich Middle Eastern despots or Russian gangsters to do it. Are you watching Manchester City?”

The presentation lasted over an hour and involved the ex-Manchester United player showing off his ball juggling skills, signing a small boy’s balls and healing several dozen specially chosen invalids.

It was the biggest event of this kind since Maradona’s transfer to Napoli almost exactly 25 years previously, and Perez will be hoping that Ronaldo will replicate the Argentine superstars success, although perhaps without the drug taking, the weight gain and the general hanging around with ‘bad sorts’.

Fiorentino Perez also used the presentation as an opportunity to unveil Real Madrid’s new kit which is made from pure white platinum leaf with gold stitching and costs €25,000 per shirt. He also denied rumours that Real were seeking to become the first footballing nuclear power and that planned pre-season trips to Iran and North Korea were purely promotional and had nothing to do with attempting buy atomic weapons grade plutonium.


Fergie unveils exciting new striking prospect

July 3, 2009


Michaeh Owen yesterday

Michael Owen attends his medical at Old Trafford

 Sir Alex Ferguson today reveiled that English superclub, Manchester United, are on the verge of signing former European Footballer of the Year and balsa wood boned, Michael Owen.

In a riposte to free spending Real Madrid, who have now spunked nearly £200million on Kaka, Ronaldo, Albiol and Benzema, Fergie revealed that United were in no way crippled by their estimated £700million debt and could cut it with Real when it came to signing the big names in the world game.

He claimed that United would be stronger next season despite losing World Footballer of the Year, Ronaldo, and apparently wanting to replace him with a Honduran winger from Wigan and a knackered striker from the early part of the decade.

Michael, 29, but with the hamstrings of a man three times his age, is believed to have accepted a cut-price deal with the Old Trafford based giants and will sign today subject to the unlikely event of him managing to staying upright and not falling to the ground, curled in the foetal position wracked with pain clutching his knee during his rigorous medical.

Owen’s agents, the Wasserman Group, claimed that their much derided shiny brochure, had been a success and that Sir Alex had been persuaded by Owen’s core values, his goalscoring record and the free Panini stickers that had been attached to the front.

They also claimed that Owen’s move to a big club could give him a renewed opportunity to get back into the England squad so that he can breakdown sometime during the World Cup in South Africa, Fabio Capello was unavailable for comment on this, but an FA spokesman, when asked, did suppress a giggle and say that there was more chance of Capello making Titus Bramble England captain.

Manchester United fans across the country, from Surrey to Cornwall, seem to be divided on the signing, with internet forums awash with fans either trying to delude themselves that Owen’s signing could work out like a latter day Cantona or calling Owen “a little Scouse sh*tbag who will spend all his time in the Old Trafford treatment room”.

Manchester United buy Valencia

July 1, 2009


Valencia yesterday

Valencia yesterday

Officials from Manchester United confirmed today that they have secured the signing of Spain’s third largest city, Valencia, for a fee believed to be in the region of €22million.

The city, which contains buildings dating back to Roman times, has been suffering huge financial problems and was believed to be on the verge of going into administration, which could’ve been a disaster for the home of paella and would’ve resulted in a crippling points deduction for next season.

A spokesman for the Premier League champions admitted that they had been watching the city for quite some time and Sir Alex Ferguson had visited it on secret scouting missions on several occasions.

“It is a fantastic city, with a well developed infrastructure and several world class tourist attractions, including the fantastic  ‘Ciudad de las Artes y las Ciencias’ or ‘The Hemisphere’ as it’s more commonly known, which houses the highly popular planetarium and aquarium.”

“We are pleased to be able to buy one of Europe’s most thriving urban centres for less than a third of the price of Cristiano Ronaldo.”

He continued “Sir Alex has said that he’s not sure whether Valencia will immediately go into his first choice XI of cities but he hopes that Valencia will be patient, play in a few Coca Cola Cup matches and then push for a first team place, eventually lining up alongside Rio and eventually, hopefully becoming one of the all time greats footballing cities like Arsenal’s 1979 FA cup winner, Sunderland.”