Posted tagged ‘Emmanuel Adebayor’

FA cancel all leave for Disciplinary Department personnel

September 22, 2009
LordTriesman, Head of the FA

LordTriesman, Head of the FA

Lord Triesman, today confirmed that all leave for staff working in the Disciplinary Department had been cancelled in order to help clear the massive backlog of cases being brought before them.

With the current flare-ups involving Craig Bellamy and Gary Neville during the Manchester derby and El Hadj Diouf’s racial abuse of a ball boy during Blackburn’s match at Goodison Park, along with recent cases including the “Adebayor incident” and Eduardo’s much debated diving, the Head of the FA admitted that despite being the 2nd biggest department at the FA, after Merchandising and Money-grabbing, the disciplinary staff were currently so overworked that the committees would be sitting well into next season if this continued.

“An increase in footballer twatty-ness along with supporters constantly looking for something to get the arse about, combined with the media’s desire to blow everything up out of all proportion, means that we have seen the number of cases brought before us increase by 110% in the last season”

“It used to be that a footballer had to break another player’s jaw with a right hook, or jump into the crowd to molest a small puppy, in order to be brought to book but now it only takes Craig Bellamy to celebrate a goal whilst vaguely looking a bit like a plane and supporters are up in arms claiming that he’s desecrating the memory of the players who died in the Munich air crash whilst simultaneously shitting on the graves of Princess Di and Patrick Swayze, it’s madness” he continued.

“At this rate we’ll have to get some work experience kids in to examine the lower profile cases, or anything that doesn’t involve a player from the ‘Big Four’ or Manchester City”.

The statisticians at Prozone have predicted that if this current trend contines all Premier League footballers will be suspended for at least one game sometime during the 2013-2014 season.

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Arsenal fan drives Emmanuel Adebayor to Eastlands to complete signing

July 19, 2009

 

Adebayor, pre-sulk

Adebayor, pre-sulk

Emmanuel Adebayor completed his £25million transfer this weekend after Arsenal fan, Kevin Sampson, offered to drive him from the Emirates Stadium to Eastlands if it meant that the Gunners could get rid of the sulky striker and pocket a large sum of Middle Eastern cash.

Kevin, 33, an Arsenal season ticket holder for 15 years, explained to gathered journalists “Arsenal have had a good few seasons now of listening to Adebayor moaning about this and that, whilst making ‘Come and get me eyes’ to AC Milan and more recently, Manchester City, and, to be honest, most fans were only too happy to see Mark Hughes pay a big wedge to take the guy off our hands. I wrote an e-mail to Arsene Wenger, saying that if it helped to seal the deal, I’d willingly drive him to Manchester myself and, much to my surprise, he accepted my offer.” 

Several City fans welcomed the striker after he completed a medical and signed a five-year-deal worth £150,000-a-week, and Adebayor explained his motivation for the move “Mark Hughes made me feel really special and offered me the sort of money that dwarfs a Banker’s bonus! I can’t wait to play for City’s fans and show them what I can do. I promise to give 100% and score goals for the first couple of months before  losing form and being dropped for Tevez. I then promise to revert to type and moan sulkily before making overtures to Milan in time for the January transfer window” said Adebayor. 

City’s Arab owners have embarked on a ludicrous spending spree this summer, and Adebayor is the third forward to join, following the arrivals of  Santa Claus and Carlos Tevez. Those signings have created a groundswell of overblown optimism that City could possibly do better than last season’s 10th place and maybe, after spending shitloads of money, even qualify for the prestigious Europa Cup.