Posted tagged ‘England’

England match to be shown exclusively on Ceefax

October 8, 2009

Ceefax, the internet but with less porn

Ceefax, the internet but with less porn

The Ukrainian FA today confirmed that the exclusive rights to saturdays World Cup qualifier have been sold to the BBC’s ancient text information service Ceefax.

The rights to the match, which is now almost meaningless to England as the team have already qualified for next year’s World Cup in South Africa, had been bought by the, now bankrupt, Carlos Santana sports channel, but due to the collapse of the Irish broadcasters the rights were re-sold.

A surprise bid of £10 by the BBC’s text service, more famous for it’s “Bamboozle” puzzle pages and pisspoor jokes, such as “How to go to the toilet” by I.P.Freely, secured the rights to the match as there was no interest from any other broadcaster, as it’s believed no-one in England now gives a monkey’s and everyone will be tuning into “Strictly Come Dancing” to see if Anton Dubec calls Bruno Tonioli a “poof” or uses more racially inflammatory language to describe his dance partners new tan.

The service, as well as updating the scoreline on an annoyingly infrequent basis, will also be unveiling it’s revolutionary “Blockball” graphics system which will show a low resolution image of the pitch and have the players represented by either red (England) or yellow (Ukraine) pixels.

A version of this system was first used in the early 1980s, when it provided revolutionary coverage of the annual University Boat Race between Cambridge and Oxford. A BBC boffin constructed a Ceefax page showing the route of the course using the graphics usually used for building the weather maps. Two dots then represented the boats and they were moved across the screen to track the crews once the race got under way. Despite getting, literally, tens of viewers this technological breakthrough was mothballed until it was realised that a variant could be used to bring previously unavailable live football to the masses.

The live match coverage will be available to anyone with Ceefax on page 311 starting at 5pm.


Sven appointed Director of Rumpy-Pumpy at Notts County

July 22, 2009


Sven gives two thumbs up to the Nottingham ladies

Sven gives two thumbs up to the Nottingham ladies

Swedish love god and sometime football manager, Sven Goran Erikkson, has been appointed Director of Rumpy-Pumpy at League Two club, Notts County.

The former England, Manchester City and Mexico headcoach, and ex-paramour of fellow Swede Ulrika Johnson and curvaceous, former FA secretary and office bike, Faria Alam, has today been confirmed as joining the backroom staff of the Meadow Lane club.

In an interview with gathered journalists the bespectacled lothario said “It is well known that Nottingham has a female to male ratio of 4:1, this is why the University is so popular with boys, as even a spotty lad who’s hit every branch on his fall from the ugly tree can get a bit of action in this town.”

“To be honest” he continued “since I went to Mexico I’ve had a bit of a barren spell, Nancy left me, and thanks to their strict religious upbringing and aversion to palid, Scandinavian men in tight Speedos, the Mexican babes gave me a wide berth. So I thought, where better to go than England, somewhere where I’ve always had great success, off the field if not necessarily on it! And in England, where better to go than Nottingham, a city that is renowned for it’s quantity and quality of loose women. If I can’t score here then I might as well chop off little Svenis and post it back to Malmö”.

Eriksson, has been lured to the East Midlands club by a Middle East-backed consortium called Munto Finance, although Erikkson joked “They are not the first ‘Munto’ to lure me somewhere”.

His  package will be the subject of much conjecture but a spokesman said it would “largely be determined by the success of Notts County” on the pitch. His duties will include overseeing all the hiring of female staff at the club and selecting various young, attractive female fans to entertain him and fellow corporate members in his executive suite. He will be joined by his trusted assistant and masturbatory technique soundalike , Tord Grip.

Capello announces team to face Andorra

June 10, 2009

Dads Army In a pre-match press conference for tonight’s Wembley World Cup qualifier against Andorra, Three Lions supremo, Fabio Capello, has announced that he will be recalling some of England’s ‘Old Guard’.

He confirmed rumours that both David Beckham and Gary Neville would start, despite the former being on a yellow card and both lacking in match fitness.

“Andorra is a country with a population of about 23,000, in theory I should be able to pick 11 Englishmen from the Wembley crowd who would be able to beat them!” Capello explained to the bored hacks who were desperate for any morsel of interest about tonight’s walkover. 

“As it is” continued the immaculately dress Italian “I have selected an England team made up of all the players I’m not really that bothered about but who are good enough to beat the team put in front of us, which could’ve been pretty much any Englishman who plays in the Premier League. Andorra are so bad that I was even tempted to give a call up to Titus Bramble” laughed the England boss.

Before tonight’s match there will be a medal giving ceremony to the eleven non-playing members of the 1966 World Cup winning squad, including popular Radio 5Live pundit, Jimmy Armfield.

It is believed that they had volunteered their services to play the match for England but Capello had baulked at their combined age of 904 although he did remark that he did comment that ‘they would have the experience to see us through and could probably all still move as quickly as David Beckham’.

FIFA approves English team to lose on penalties in the Olympics

June 1, 2009


FIFA Overlord Sepp Blatter

FIFA Overlord Sepp Blatter

The head of FIFA, Sepp Blatter, yesterday made a proclamation from his underground fortress in Geneva, allowing a representative English team to compete in the 2012 London Olympics on behalf of Great Britain.

This has ended the fears of the many administrators of the 4 home nation FAs that their days of jetting around the world for pointless junkets would come to an end and has paved the way for a team made up of all the English players who can’t really get a game for the proper national team to have a run out against the crack Under ’23 teams from Brazil and Nigeria.

Titus Bramble, Darren Bent and Kieron Richardson have all expressed interest in playing for an Olympic team providing it doesn’t clash with their holidaying and sexual adventures in Magaluf.

At the moment it’s not known who will pick and coach ‘Team NotGB’ with the British Olympic Commitee stressing that the candidate will need to be ‘a successful English coach with a good track record at international level’ which confused experts have taken to mean Roy Hodgson.

England reveal new away kit

April 5, 2009

Beckham models new England away shirt

Beckham models new England away shirt

Following on from the success of the new ‘extreme retro’ England home shirt, featuring their patented pseudo-scientific sounding ‘second skin armour technology’, Umbro have announced that the new away kit will not feature a shirt at all but that the players will play in ‘skins’ with the iconic three lions badge tattooed onto the players left breast.

Umbro spokesman, head sports kit technician, Pim Bladderstein, claimed that this revolutionary breakthrough in kit design means that the England players will be much more streamlined and impervious to dirty foreign tactics such as shirt pulling, although he did admit that nipple tweaking at corners may have to be combated by the use of elastoplasts.

When questioned about the use of the new away kit for fixtures in cold conditions Pim revealed that Umbro would be producing a specially formulated gel composed of goose fat and chip oil, which would be smeared on the players bodies providing an extra layer of insulation, something which most England fans, especially those from the North-East, won’t require.

Worries expressed about Wayne Rooney’s pasty complexion and the dangers of sunburn in matches played in sunny climates were allayed by Umbro’s tie-in with suncream manufacturers Ambare Solair.

The new England ‘shirt’, which is actually a kit containing a Three Lions temporary tattoo, a tub of the specially formulated goose/chip fat and a bottle of Factor 30 suncream, will go on sale from monday priced at £49.99.