Posted tagged ‘FA’

FA cancel all leave for Disciplinary Department personnel

September 22, 2009
LordTriesman, Head of the FA

LordTriesman, Head of the FA

Lord Triesman, today confirmed that all leave for staff working in the Disciplinary Department had been cancelled in order to help clear the massive backlog of cases being brought before them.

With the current flare-ups involving Craig Bellamy and Gary Neville during the Manchester derby and El Hadj Diouf’s racial abuse of a ball boy during Blackburn’s match at Goodison Park, along with recent cases including the “Adebayor incident” and Eduardo’s much debated diving, the Head of the FA admitted that despite being the 2nd biggest department at the FA, after Merchandising and Money-grabbing, the disciplinary staff were currently so overworked that the committees would be sitting well into next season if this continued.

“An increase in footballer twatty-ness along with supporters constantly looking for something to get the arse about, combined with the media’s desire to blow everything up out of all proportion, means that we have seen the number of cases brought before us increase by 110% in the last season”

“It used to be that a footballer had to break another player’s jaw with a right hook, or jump into the crowd to molest a small puppy, in order to be brought to book but now it only takes Craig Bellamy to celebrate a goal whilst vaguely looking a bit like a plane and supporters are up in arms claiming that he’s desecrating the memory of the players who died in the Munich air crash whilst simultaneously shitting on the graves of Princess Di and Patrick Swayze, it’s madness” he continued.

“At this rate we’ll have to get some work experience kids in to examine the lower profile cases, or anything that doesn’t involve a player from the ‘Big Four’ or Manchester City”.

The statisticians at Prozone have predicted that if this current trend contines all Premier League footballers will be suspended for at least one game sometime during the 2013-2014 season.


England reveal new away kit

April 5, 2009

Beckham models new England away shirt

Beckham models new England away shirt

Following on from the success of the new ‘extreme retro’ England home shirt, featuring their patented pseudo-scientific sounding ‘second skin armour technology’, Umbro have announced that the new away kit will not feature a shirt at all but that the players will play in ‘skins’ with the iconic three lions badge tattooed onto the players left breast.

Umbro spokesman, head sports kit technician, Pim Bladderstein, claimed that this revolutionary breakthrough in kit design means that the England players will be much more streamlined and impervious to dirty foreign tactics such as shirt pulling, although he did admit that nipple tweaking at corners may have to be combated by the use of elastoplasts.

When questioned about the use of the new away kit for fixtures in cold conditions Pim revealed that Umbro would be producing a specially formulated gel composed of goose fat and chip oil, which would be smeared on the players bodies providing an extra layer of insulation, something which most England fans, especially those from the North-East, won’t require.

Worries expressed about Wayne Rooney’s pasty complexion and the dangers of sunburn in matches played in sunny climates were allayed by Umbro’s tie-in with suncream manufacturers Ambare Solair.

The new England ‘shirt’, which is actually a kit containing a Three Lions temporary tattoo, a tub of the specially formulated goose/chip fat and a bottle of Factor 30 suncream, will go on sale from monday priced at £49.99.