Posted tagged ‘Football’

England match to be shown exclusively on Ceefax

October 8, 2009

Ceefax, the internet but with less porn

Ceefax, the internet but with less porn

The Ukrainian FA today confirmed that the exclusive rights to saturdays World Cup qualifier have been sold to the BBC’s ancient text information service Ceefax.

The rights to the match, which is now almost meaningless to England as the team have already qualified for next year’s World Cup in South Africa, had been bought by the, now bankrupt, Carlos Santana sports channel, but due to the collapse of the Irish broadcasters the rights were re-sold.

A surprise bid of £10 by the BBC’s text service, more famous for it’s “Bamboozle” puzzle pages and pisspoor jokes, such as “How to go to the toilet” by I.P.Freely, secured the rights to the match as there was no interest from any other broadcaster, as it’s believed no-one in England now gives a monkey’s and everyone will be tuning into “Strictly Come Dancing” to see if Anton Dubec calls Bruno Tonioli a “poof” or uses more racially inflammatory language to describe his dance partners new tan.

The service, as well as updating the scoreline on an annoyingly infrequent basis, will also be unveiling it’s revolutionary “Blockball” graphics system which will show a low resolution image of the pitch and have the players represented by either red (England) or yellow (Ukraine) pixels.

A version of this system was first used in the early 1980s, when it provided revolutionary coverage of the annual University Boat Race between Cambridge and Oxford. A BBC boffin constructed a Ceefax page showing the route of the course using the graphics usually used for building the weather maps. Two dots then represented the boats and they were moved across the screen to track the crews once the race got under way. Despite getting, literally, tens of viewers this technological breakthrough was mothballed until it was realised that a variant could be used to bring previously unavailable live football to the masses.

The live match coverage will be available to anyone with Ceefax on page 311 starting at 5pm.


Nike launch new Premier League ball

July 14, 2009


Nike's latest, high tech inflated pig's bladder

Nike's latest, high tech inflated pig's bladder

Nike today unveiled their latest assault on the wallets of gullible football fans with the launch of the new T90 Ascente ball, which in a complete change with tradition is round, mostly white and has some pseudo-technological design which makes it look as if it was merchandise from the latest “Transformers” film that even McDonald’s thought was too tacky to give away with happy meals.

A Nike spokesman claimed that the new ball’s design and graphics would enable players to see the ball earlier because it features ‘flicker’ technology which is specially designed to show up in the players peripheral vision. According to their tests it allows the players to react to the ball up to 2 picoseconds sooner, and it only causes nausea and epileptic  seizures in 0.4% of the population.

Nike also claims that the ball is rounder than ever before and the surface is dimpled causing it to move faster through the air, Nike ball designer, Raphael Ortega, explained “The ball is textured like a golf ball enabling even talentless players to put spin on it, kick it just off centre and it’ll swerve like a bastard. This ball is going to make goalkeepers look like the twats that they are.”

“Thanks to our close association with NASA we’ve been able to include modern aerodynamic technology meaning that if you kick this baby in the sweet spot it will actually accelerate through the air, gaining speed in a direct contradiction of Newton’s Third Law of Motion”.

However despite Nike’s assurances that this will be the best ball ever, even better than classics like the Tango ball, the Mitre one with the red stripe and the beautiful white one with black hexagons which everyone agrees is how a proper football should look, some players, especially goalkeepers are skeptical.

Paul Robinson, Blackburn’s goalkeeper, has gone on record as saying “These new balls are a nightmare, every year they get a bit lighter and they do something to them that gives them all the predictability of a pissed up driver on a skid pan, making life a misery for top notch keepers like me. Why can’t we go back to the old leather balls with the laces which strikers struggled to kick more than 12 yards?”

The T90 Ascente will be produced in three different variants, “Hyper manic” for the Premier League, “Super control” for La Liga and “Distinctly average” for Serie A, each costing a whopping £85.