Experts predict Keane eruption ‘before Christmas’

  

Roy Keane, not at all happy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vulcanologists have issued a warning today that temperamental Ipswich Town boss, Roy Keane, is due to erupt ‘imminently’ after lying dormant for well over a year. 

His last eruption, during his bust up with Sunderland chairman, Niall Quinn, measured 6.7 on the Richter Scale and could be felt as far away as Lincolnshire.

This latest forecast predicts that any Ipswich based explosion might well be exceed that figure for both ferocity and length and may even come close to his Mick McCarthy inspired “Up Yer Bollocks” tirade in Saipan just before the 2002 World Cup which is believed to have caused several buildings to partially collapse and had aftershocks which were reportedly felt in his hometown of Cork.

Ipswich Town, currently without a win in the Championship, and looking increasingly unlikely to mount a promotion challenge, appear to be testing the limited patience of the ex-Manchester United star, and his ragtag collection of ex-Sunderland players and unproven Irish youngsters need to win some games and win fast, warned head Vulcanologist, Dr Leonard Spock, of the London Institute for Eruptions and Explosions.

“To be honest” explained Dr Spock, “this has been on the cards as soon as the appointment of Keane was announced, but even us experts have been surprised at the speed at which the pressure levels inside Keane have risen to dangerously volatile levels. Most of us weren’t expecting an eruption until 2010 at the earliest. I would suggest that any fans heading to future Town games avoid sitting anywhere within a possible blast radius and expect secondary eruptions even if all appears calm.”

 

 

Roy Keane has first bust up with Suffolk press

 

Bearded but not bowed

New Ipswich Town boss, Roy Keane, has had his first major falling out with a junior hack from local newspaper, the Evening Star, we can exclusively report.

It happened during a routine press conference, called by new Tractor Boy’s Chief executive, Simon Clegg.

Keane was asked to elaborate on his plans for guiding the Suffolk club back to the Premier League and outlined his plan to bring in a plethora of overpaid ex-Sunderland and Republic of Ireland players, whilst paying over the odds for any new signings.

He made a couple of his now customary quips about “walking his dogs”, which journalists nervously laughed at like Rupert Pupkins hostages in Martin Scorcese’s under-rated classic “Kings of Comedy”.

It was then that the jovial mood was broken when a junior hack broke ranks to ask Keane “What makes you tick?”

Keane then exploded with apoplectic rage rising from his seat on stage, foaming at the mouth and shouting “Who are you calling tick, you fecking jumped up little eejit?”

The press conference was hastily abandoned whilst security guards tried to prise Mr Keane’s hands from around the neck of the now unconscious journalist.

Eventually the police were called and a local vet was instructed to shoot Keane with a tranquiliser dart, allegedly having to use a dose that would normally be required to stop a rampaging rhino.

A spokesman for Keane claimed the Town supremo was unavailable for comment as he was “walking his dogs” and hospital sources have said that the journalist is in a stable condition and may be able to eat solids in the very near future.