Posted tagged ‘Manchester United’

Michael Owen appointed Apple’s ‘Football Ambassador’

October 1, 2009

Manchester United superstar Michael Owen

Manchester United superstar Michael Owen

Michael Owen’s agent has today confirmed that the diminutive goalgrabber has been appointed by hi-tech firm, Apple, as their “Football Ambassador” in a sponsorship deal believed to be worth several million pounds.

According to a representative from Apple, who explained “Michael Owen perfectly encapsulates the qualities of the Apple brand and is an aspirational icon who communicates deeply with our core audience of people in the 20-40 year old bracket, who despite the current economic woes, still have a high disposable income that they are prepared to waste on stylish, but, ultimately pointless technological trinkets.”

“He’s been a player who has constantly been able to re-invent himself whilst staying at the top of his game. People have paid vastly over the odds for him, when they could’ve bought cheaper, but less glamorous and stylish players, who would’ve done the same job and, of course, here at Apple we admire his in built obsolescence and the way that he is able to break down just after someone has spunked a huge amount of money on him. We think this ability, over all his other brand values, makes him the perfect ambassador for our products, especially the iPod range.”

Apple have also announced that there will be a new “Michael Owen Super Soccer” app released for the iPhone which will allow users to recreate the strikers career, beginning with his sensational goal at the 1998 World Cup and then gradually moving on to his succession of injury rehabilitation’s with Real Madrid, Newcastle and Manchester United, before allowing you to finally concentrate on managing his property portfolio in Dubai and checking the horse racing results.

FA cancel all leave for Disciplinary Department personnel

September 22, 2009
LordTriesman, Head of the FA

LordTriesman, Head of the FA

Lord Triesman, today confirmed that all leave for staff working in the Disciplinary Department had been cancelled in order to help clear the massive backlog of cases being brought before them.

With the current flare-ups involving Craig Bellamy and Gary Neville during the Manchester derby and El Hadj Diouf’s racial abuse of a ball boy during Blackburn’s match at Goodison Park, along with recent cases including the “Adebayor incident” and Eduardo’s much debated diving, the Head of the FA admitted that despite being the 2nd biggest department at the FA, after Merchandising and Money-grabbing, the disciplinary staff were currently so overworked that the committees would be sitting well into next season if this continued.

“An increase in footballer twatty-ness along with supporters constantly looking for something to get the arse about, combined with the media’s desire to blow everything up out of all proportion, means that we have seen the number of cases brought before us increase by 110% in the last season”

“It used to be that a footballer had to break another player’s jaw with a right hook, or jump into the crowd to molest a small puppy, in order to be brought to book but now it only takes Craig Bellamy to celebrate a goal whilst vaguely looking a bit like a plane and supporters are up in arms claiming that he’s desecrating the memory of the players who died in the Munich air crash whilst simultaneously shitting on the graves of Princess Di and Patrick Swayze, it’s madness” he continued.

“At this rate we’ll have to get some work experience kids in to examine the lower profile cases, or anything that doesn’t involve a player from the ‘Big Four’ or Manchester City”.

The statisticians at Prozone have predicted that if this current trend contines all Premier League footballers will be suspended for at least one game sometime during the 2013-2014 season.

Former England No.1, Ben Foster, announces retirement

July 16, 2009

Ben Foster when he played for EnglandFormer England Goalkeeper Ben Foster announced his retirement from football today by confirming he has signed a new 4-year deal with Manchester United

Despite rumours linking him with the number 1’s jersey at Tottenham, the former Stoke stopper has elected to call it quits on a once-promising career and instead spend the next few years watching pyjama wearing Pole, Tomasz Kuszczak sit on the bench watching Edwin Van der Saar keep goal for the current English Champions before being sadly and predictably dumped in favour of the next next-big-thing.

“It was a tough decision to make, but ultimately the lure of showing absolutely no ambition and allowing my status of being in any way associated with Manchester United help me pull the birds proved too strong to resist. I can’t wait for pre-season training to start tomorrow so I can make sure the cones and bibs are all set out right nice and that”.

Foster has followed in the great tradition of promising, young England goalkeepers moving to big clubs too early in their career, to join the goalkeeper graveyard along with the likes of Richard Wright, Joe Hart and Steve Simonsen, a player who ruined his career so completely by joining Everton from Tranmere Rovers for £3million, that no-one actually knows who he is or remembers him ever existing.

 

This exclusive was brought to you by guest correspondent, David Oudot, who’s excellent blog can be found by clicking on the following link  http://taxloser.blogspot.com/

Chelsea parade new star signing

July 8, 2009
Ace stopper Ross Turnbull

Ace stopper Ross Turnbull

In an effort to trump Real Madrid’s overblown unveiling of World Record signing, Cristiano Ronaldo, yesterday, Chelsea have presented new 3rd choice goalkeeper, ex-Middlesbrough stopper, Ross Turnbull, to an adoring crowd of 20,000 fans at The O2 Arena which had recently become free and was hired specially for the event.

Turnbull was presented to the feverishly excited fans by  Chelsea chief executive and Manchester United turncoat, Peter Kenyon, who claimed that with the signing of the Middlesbrough reserve custodian, they were sending out a message to the Premier League and beyond.

Turnbull told the assembled congregation “I am very happy to have been bought by one of World Football’s biggest clubs and I believe that I have been selected with a view to usurping Petr Cech from his position as No.1 and certainly not because of UEFA’s new rules pertaining to the number of foreigners that you are allowed in your Champions League squad. I can’t wait till my first match in the League Cup or possibly a dead rubber in one of the Champions League group matches.”

Due to his transfer it is believed that Turnbull could well force his way into Fabio Capello’s England plans, even though relegated Middlesbrough thought he wasn’t as good as Brad Jones.

During the two hour long ceremony Turnbull, who is expected to be given the prestigious number 42 shirt, played catch with a group of specially selected school children and was presented with his Chelsea kit by Stamford Bridge legend, Dave Beasant.

Fergie unveils exciting new striking prospect

July 3, 2009

 

Michaeh Owen yesterday

Michael Owen attends his medical at Old Trafford

 Sir Alex Ferguson today reveiled that English superclub, Manchester United, are on the verge of signing former European Footballer of the Year and balsa wood boned, Michael Owen.

In a riposte to free spending Real Madrid, who have now spunked nearly £200million on Kaka, Ronaldo, Albiol and Benzema, Fergie revealed that United were in no way crippled by their estimated £700million debt and could cut it with Real when it came to signing the big names in the world game.

He claimed that United would be stronger next season despite losing World Footballer of the Year, Ronaldo, and apparently wanting to replace him with a Honduran winger from Wigan and a knackered striker from the early part of the decade.

Michael, 29, but with the hamstrings of a man three times his age, is believed to have accepted a cut-price deal with the Old Trafford based giants and will sign today subject to the unlikely event of him managing to staying upright and not falling to the ground, curled in the foetal position wracked with pain clutching his knee during his rigorous medical.

Owen’s agents, the Wasserman Group, claimed that their much derided shiny brochure, had been a success and that Sir Alex had been persuaded by Owen’s core values, his goalscoring record and the free Panini stickers that had been attached to the front.

They also claimed that Owen’s move to a big club could give him a renewed opportunity to get back into the England squad so that he can breakdown sometime during the World Cup in South Africa, Fabio Capello was unavailable for comment on this, but an FA spokesman, when asked, did suppress a giggle and say that there was more chance of Capello making Titus Bramble England captain.

Manchester United fans across the country, from Surrey to Cornwall, seem to be divided on the signing, with internet forums awash with fans either trying to delude themselves that Owen’s signing could work out like a latter day Cantona or calling Owen “a little Scouse sh*tbag who will spend all his time in the Old Trafford treatment room”.

Manchester United buy Valencia

July 1, 2009

 

Valencia yesterday

Valencia yesterday

Officials from Manchester United confirmed today that they have secured the signing of Spain’s third largest city, Valencia, for a fee believed to be in the region of €22million.

The city, which contains buildings dating back to Roman times, has been suffering huge financial problems and was believed to be on the verge of going into administration, which could’ve been a disaster for the home of paella and would’ve resulted in a crippling points deduction for next season.

A spokesman for the Premier League champions admitted that they had been watching the city for quite some time and Sir Alex Ferguson had visited it on secret scouting missions on several occasions.

“It is a fantastic city, with a well developed infrastructure and several world class tourist attractions, including the fantastic  ‘Ciudad de las Artes y las Ciencias’ or ‘The Hemisphere’ as it’s more commonly known, which houses the highly popular planetarium and aquarium.”

“We are pleased to be able to buy one of Europe’s most thriving urban centres for less than a third of the price of Cristiano Ronaldo.”

He continued “Sir Alex has said that he’s not sure whether Valencia will immediately go into his first choice XI of cities but he hopes that Valencia will be patient, play in a few Coca Cola Cup matches and then push for a first team place, eventually lining up alongside Rio and eventually, hopefully becoming one of the all time greats footballing cities like Arsenal’s 1979 FA cup winner, Sunderland.”

Ronaldo decries Kaka move as a “publicity stunt”

June 9, 2009

 

Kaka and Ronaldo in action for their former teams

Kaka and Ronaldo in action for their former teams

Publicity shy Cristiano Ronaldo, today decried Brazilian superstar, Kaka’s, record breaking €65million transfer to Real Madrid  from AC Milan as nothing more than a “publicity stunt”, revealing that only when new Real president, Florentino Perez, has bought him from Manchester United, will Los Merengues truly have entered a new era of the Galacticos.

“Everyone knows” explained the greasy haired winger to the gathered melée of  hacks desperate to fill acres of football columns with idle tittle tattle, “that the only two truly World Class players are me and Messi and out of the two of us who is the prettiest?  Who is going to attract the most teenage girls and gay men to support Real Madrid, a team normally associated with Franco and Fascism? I’ll tell you it’s not little Lionel, even his nickname is crap, ‘The Flea’, that’s something that thrives in a dog’s anus not at the Bernabeu”.

“Madrid have bought Kaka, and fair enough he’s a good player, but he’s a God fearing Brazilian, do they really think his signing is going to keep the gossip mags and the tabloids happy? Also they are talking about signing Franck Ribery from Bayern, but how can he play in a team which professes to play the ‘Beautiful Game’?”