Posted tagged ‘Michael Owen’

Michael Owen appointed Apple’s ‘Football Ambassador’

October 1, 2009

Manchester United superstar Michael Owen

Manchester United superstar Michael Owen

Michael Owen’s agent has today confirmed that the diminutive goalgrabber has been appointed by hi-tech firm, Apple, as their “Football Ambassador” in a sponsorship deal believed to be worth several million pounds.

According to a representative from Apple, who explained “Michael Owen perfectly encapsulates the qualities of the Apple brand and is an aspirational icon who communicates deeply with our core audience of people in the 20-40 year old bracket, who despite the current economic woes, still have a high disposable income that they are prepared to waste on stylish, but, ultimately pointless technological trinkets.”

“He’s been a player who has constantly been able to re-invent himself whilst staying at the top of his game. People have paid vastly over the odds for him, when they could’ve bought cheaper, but less glamorous and stylish players, who would’ve done the same job and, of course, here at Apple we admire his in built obsolescence and the way that he is able to break down just after someone has spunked a huge amount of money on him. We think this ability, over all his other brand values, makes him the perfect ambassador for our products, especially the iPod range.”

Apple have also announced that there will be a new “Michael Owen Super Soccer” app released for the iPhone which will allow users to recreate the strikers career, beginning with his sensational goal at the 1998 World Cup and then gradually moving on to his succession of injury rehabilitation’s with Real Madrid, Newcastle and Manchester United, before allowing you to finally concentrate on managing his property portfolio in Dubai and checking the horse racing results.


Fergie unveils exciting new striking prospect

July 3, 2009


Michaeh Owen yesterday

Michael Owen attends his medical at Old Trafford

 Sir Alex Ferguson today reveiled that English superclub, Manchester United, are on the verge of signing former European Footballer of the Year and balsa wood boned, Michael Owen.

In a riposte to free spending Real Madrid, who have now spunked nearly £200million on Kaka, Ronaldo, Albiol and Benzema, Fergie revealed that United were in no way crippled by their estimated £700million debt and could cut it with Real when it came to signing the big names in the world game.

He claimed that United would be stronger next season despite losing World Footballer of the Year, Ronaldo, and apparently wanting to replace him with a Honduran winger from Wigan and a knackered striker from the early part of the decade.

Michael, 29, but with the hamstrings of a man three times his age, is believed to have accepted a cut-price deal with the Old Trafford based giants and will sign today subject to the unlikely event of him managing to staying upright and not falling to the ground, curled in the foetal position wracked with pain clutching his knee during his rigorous medical.

Owen’s agents, the Wasserman Group, claimed that their much derided shiny brochure, had been a success and that Sir Alex had been persuaded by Owen’s core values, his goalscoring record and the free Panini stickers that had been attached to the front.

They also claimed that Owen’s move to a big club could give him a renewed opportunity to get back into the England squad so that he can breakdown sometime during the World Cup in South Africa, Fabio Capello was unavailable for comment on this, but an FA spokesman, when asked, did suppress a giggle and say that there was more chance of Capello making Titus Bramble England captain.

Manchester United fans across the country, from Surrey to Cornwall, seem to be divided on the signing, with internet forums awash with fans either trying to delude themselves that Owen’s signing could work out like a latter day Cantona or calling Owen “a little Scouse sh*tbag who will spend all his time in the Old Trafford treatment room”.

Michael Owen’s agents book 1 hour spot on QVC

June 16, 2009


Michaeh Owen yesterday

Michael Owen yesterday

In a bold effort to sell injury prone, charisma blackhole, Michael Owen,  his agents, Wasserman Media Group, have booked a primetime one hour spot on home shopping channel QVC.

The “Super Striker Special” will air 7pm on wednesday and be presented by James, from this year’s Apprentice, and Sky Sports presenter, Kelly Dalglish, with the dynamic duo extolling the virtues of the impish Newcastle United forward.

They will show footage of all his most memorable moments for England and Liverpool, mostly a seemingly endless montage of his 1998 World Cup goal against Argentina, with his turbulent time at Real Madrid and Newcastle relegated to a brief  1 minute epilogue to be broadcast as the end credits roll.

Owen’s desperation to move from the beleaguered North East club has led to his management company using ever more imaginative ways to advertise their client’s skills to football clubs in the Premier League, including a set of adverts featuring Barry Scott, of Cillit Bang fame, and Michael Winner (“Calm down dear, it’s only a tweaked hamstring”) which were shown during “Coronation Street” last night.

They have also produced a 34 page glossy brochure called “The Michael Owen Experience”, which is being given away with copies of next weekend’s “Sunday Times”. It features a fold-out middle page spread featuring all of little Michael’s many injuries and how they have been treated prior to him coming back too soon and rupturing them all over again.

It also includes detailed charts and statistics, provided by WMG’s highly paid sports scientists, proving that his decrease in pace is, in fact, an optical illusion due to the poor air quality in the North East and that actually, believe it or not, he has managed to last the full 90 minutes of a match on at least 4 occasions in the last two years.

Michael Owen is available on a free transfer and is, according to his agents, willing to listen to offers in the region of £50,000 per week after they told him that no-one, not even Man. City, were going to be prepared to match his £110,000 per week wages for a fragile, gnomic, hasbeen.