Posted tagged ‘Real Madrid’

Michael Owen appointed Apple’s ‘Football Ambassador’

October 1, 2009

Manchester United superstar Michael Owen

Manchester United superstar Michael Owen

Michael Owen’s agent has today confirmed that the diminutive goalgrabber has been appointed by hi-tech firm, Apple, as their “Football Ambassador” in a sponsorship deal believed to be worth several million pounds.

According to a representative from Apple, who explained “Michael Owen perfectly encapsulates the qualities of the Apple brand and is an aspirational icon who communicates deeply with our core audience of people in the 20-40 year old bracket, who despite the current economic woes, still have a high disposable income that they are prepared to waste on stylish, but, ultimately pointless technological trinkets.”

“He’s been a player who has constantly been able to re-invent himself whilst staying at the top of his game. People have paid vastly over the odds for him, when they could’ve bought cheaper, but less glamorous and stylish players, who would’ve done the same job and, of course, here at Apple we admire his in built obsolescence and the way that he is able to break down just after someone has spunked a huge amount of money on him. We think this ability, over all his other brand values, makes him the perfect ambassador for our products, especially the iPod range.”

Apple have also announced that there will be a new “Michael Owen Super Soccer” app released for the iPhone which will allow users to recreate the strikers career, beginning with his sensational goal at the 1998 World Cup and then gradually moving on to his succession of injury rehabilitation’s with Real Madrid, Newcastle and Manchester United, before allowing you to finally concentrate on managing his property portfolio in Dubai and checking the horse racing results.


Chelsea parade new star signing

July 8, 2009
Ace stopper Ross Turnbull

Ace stopper Ross Turnbull

In an effort to trump Real Madrid’s overblown unveiling of World Record signing, Cristiano Ronaldo, yesterday, Chelsea have presented new 3rd choice goalkeeper, ex-Middlesbrough stopper, Ross Turnbull, to an adoring crowd of 20,000 fans at The O2 Arena which had recently become free and was hired specially for the event.

Turnbull was presented to the feverishly excited fans by  Chelsea chief executive and Manchester United turncoat, Peter Kenyon, who claimed that with the signing of the Middlesbrough reserve custodian, they were sending out a message to the Premier League and beyond.

Turnbull told the assembled congregation “I am very happy to have been bought by one of World Football’s biggest clubs and I believe that I have been selected with a view to usurping Petr Cech from his position as No.1 and certainly not because of UEFA’s new rules pertaining to the number of foreigners that you are allowed in your Champions League squad. I can’t wait till my first match in the League Cup or possibly a dead rubber in one of the Champions League group matches.”

Due to his transfer it is believed that Turnbull could well force his way into Fabio Capello’s England plans, even though relegated Middlesbrough thought he wasn’t as good as Brad Jones.

During the two hour long ceremony Turnbull, who is expected to be given the prestigious number 42 shirt, played catch with a group of specially selected school children and was presented with his Chelsea kit by Stamford Bridge legend, Dave Beasant.

Ronaldo unveiled in front of 80,000 adoring morons

July 7, 2009


Real unveiled World's Biggest Twat

Real unveil World's Biggest Twat

Real Madrid today presented new signing, and übertwat, Cristiano Ronaldo, to an adoring crowd of 80,000 retarded Madrileños in an extravagant  ceremony which involved the Portuguese star being shot out of a Golden cannon, through a flaming hoop made of €5 notes and into a cage containing two Siberian snow leopards before being strapped into a jetpack and hovering above delirious fans in the famous Bernabeu stadium.

Real President, the megalomaniacal, Perez, announced to the gathered imbeciles, “This is the biggest thing ever to happen in the history of mankind! The evolution of man has been building to this moment, the moment when Real Madrid, the most successful football club in the World can annouce that, despite having won nothing of any consequence for some time, we can spunk our money up the wall with the best of them, in fact better than anyone else and we don’t even need rich Middle Eastern despots or Russian gangsters to do it. Are you watching Manchester City?”

The presentation lasted over an hour and involved the ex-Manchester United player showing off his ball juggling skills, signing a small boy’s balls and healing several dozen specially chosen invalids.

It was the biggest event of this kind since Maradona’s transfer to Napoli almost exactly 25 years previously, and Perez will be hoping that Ronaldo will replicate the Argentine superstars success, although perhaps without the drug taking, the weight gain and the general hanging around with ‘bad sorts’.

Fiorentino Perez also used the presentation as an opportunity to unveil Real Madrid’s new kit which is made from pure white platinum leaf with gold stitching and costs €25,000 per shirt. He also denied rumours that Real were seeking to become the first footballing nuclear power and that planned pre-season trips to Iran and North Korea were purely promotional and had nothing to do with attempting buy atomic weapons grade plutonium.

Fergie unveils exciting new striking prospect

July 3, 2009


Michaeh Owen yesterday

Michael Owen attends his medical at Old Trafford

 Sir Alex Ferguson today reveiled that English superclub, Manchester United, are on the verge of signing former European Footballer of the Year and balsa wood boned, Michael Owen.

In a riposte to free spending Real Madrid, who have now spunked nearly £200million on Kaka, Ronaldo, Albiol and Benzema, Fergie revealed that United were in no way crippled by their estimated £700million debt and could cut it with Real when it came to signing the big names in the world game.

He claimed that United would be stronger next season despite losing World Footballer of the Year, Ronaldo, and apparently wanting to replace him with a Honduran winger from Wigan and a knackered striker from the early part of the decade.

Michael, 29, but with the hamstrings of a man three times his age, is believed to have accepted a cut-price deal with the Old Trafford based giants and will sign today subject to the unlikely event of him managing to staying upright and not falling to the ground, curled in the foetal position wracked with pain clutching his knee during his rigorous medical.

Owen’s agents, the Wasserman Group, claimed that their much derided shiny brochure, had been a success and that Sir Alex had been persuaded by Owen’s core values, his goalscoring record and the free Panini stickers that had been attached to the front.

They also claimed that Owen’s move to a big club could give him a renewed opportunity to get back into the England squad so that he can breakdown sometime during the World Cup in South Africa, Fabio Capello was unavailable for comment on this, but an FA spokesman, when asked, did suppress a giggle and say that there was more chance of Capello making Titus Bramble England captain.

Manchester United fans across the country, from Surrey to Cornwall, seem to be divided on the signing, with internet forums awash with fans either trying to delude themselves that Owen’s signing could work out like a latter day Cantona or calling Owen “a little Scouse sh*tbag who will spend all his time in the Old Trafford treatment room”.

Michael Owen’s agents book 1 hour spot on QVC

June 16, 2009


Michaeh Owen yesterday

Michael Owen yesterday

In a bold effort to sell injury prone, charisma blackhole, Michael Owen,  his agents, Wasserman Media Group, have booked a primetime one hour spot on home shopping channel QVC.

The “Super Striker Special” will air 7pm on wednesday and be presented by James, from this year’s Apprentice, and Sky Sports presenter, Kelly Dalglish, with the dynamic duo extolling the virtues of the impish Newcastle United forward.

They will show footage of all his most memorable moments for England and Liverpool, mostly a seemingly endless montage of his 1998 World Cup goal against Argentina, with his turbulent time at Real Madrid and Newcastle relegated to a brief  1 minute epilogue to be broadcast as the end credits roll.

Owen’s desperation to move from the beleaguered North East club has led to his management company using ever more imaginative ways to advertise their client’s skills to football clubs in the Premier League, including a set of adverts featuring Barry Scott, of Cillit Bang fame, and Michael Winner (“Calm down dear, it’s only a tweaked hamstring”) which were shown during “Coronation Street” last night.

They have also produced a 34 page glossy brochure called “The Michael Owen Experience”, which is being given away with copies of next weekend’s “Sunday Times”. It features a fold-out middle page spread featuring all of little Michael’s many injuries and how they have been treated prior to him coming back too soon and rupturing them all over again.

It also includes detailed charts and statistics, provided by WMG’s highly paid sports scientists, proving that his decrease in pace is, in fact, an optical illusion due to the poor air quality in the North East and that actually, believe it or not, he has managed to last the full 90 minutes of a match on at least 4 occasions in the last two years.

Michael Owen is available on a free transfer and is, according to his agents, willing to listen to offers in the region of £50,000 per week after they told him that no-one, not even Man. City, were going to be prepared to match his £110,000 per week wages for a fragile, gnomic, hasbeen.

Ronaldo decries Kaka move as a “publicity stunt”

June 9, 2009


Kaka and Ronaldo in action for their former teams

Kaka and Ronaldo in action for their former teams

Publicity shy Cristiano Ronaldo, today decried Brazilian superstar, Kaka’s, record breaking €65million transfer to Real Madrid  from AC Milan as nothing more than a “publicity stunt”, revealing that only when new Real president, Florentino Perez, has bought him from Manchester United, will Los Merengues truly have entered a new era of the Galacticos.

“Everyone knows” explained the greasy haired winger to the gathered melée of  hacks desperate to fill acres of football columns with idle tittle tattle, “that the only two truly World Class players are me and Messi and out of the two of us who is the prettiest?  Who is going to attract the most teenage girls and gay men to support Real Madrid, a team normally associated with Franco and Fascism? I’ll tell you it’s not little Lionel, even his nickname is crap, ‘The Flea’, that’s something that thrives in a dog’s anus not at the Bernabeu”.

“Madrid have bought Kaka, and fair enough he’s a good player, but he’s a God fearing Brazilian, do they really think his signing is going to keep the gossip mags and the tabloids happy? Also they are talking about signing Franck Ribery from Bayern, but how can he play in a team which professes to play the ‘Beautiful Game’?”