Local Hero
Plans were revealed today, by Newcastle city council, to hastily organise an open top bus parade through the street of the city in order to commemorate Newcastle United’s historic win in the Tyne Tees relegation dogfight last night.
In celebration of the Toon’s 3-1 hammering of their seemingly relegation bound near neighbours the council have decided to fund a party for the self-proclaimed ‘Geordie Nation’, a nation which, if ranked purely in terms of footballing success, would be somewhere between Liechtenstein and the Faroe Isles.
A spokesman for the council and self-styled Sergeant Major in the Toon Army, Kevin Jackie Milburn Asprilla Beardsley Mirandinho Kilkline, announced the plans and praised the clubs latest messiah.
“The local boy and demi-God, Shearer has come in and turned this club around, I mean 5 points in his first 6 games in charge is comparable to any of the greats like Jim Smith, Sam Allardyce or Glenn Roeder.”
“Some people will think that it’s a bit over-the-top to celebrate only the club’s second Premier League victory in 20 matches but when you do it against the big clubs like Middlesbrough and before that, West Brom, then it’s only natural to want to celebrate”.
The parade will start at the world famous Metro centre waved off by a succession of Newcastle’s most successful business tycoons and popular former chairmen including Sir John Hall, Freddy Shepherd and the bloke in charge of Northern Rock.
It will end at St James’s Park where hundreds of the usual unemployed rent-a-quote retards will be milling about giving their ill-informed opinions about the club to lazy Sky Sports journalists who can’t be arsed to find anyone with an IQ above the level of a brain damaged chimp or who has a vocabulary which extends beyond the words “Messiah”, “Big Club”, “Toon Army” or “Deserves to be in the Champions League”.
The club has also announced that a special DVD is also being released today made up of hastily edited together footage from YouTube featuring highlights of yesterday’s match played over a strange backing tape of an Albanian techno bands mashup of Geordie classic ‘Fog on the Tyne’. The DVD entitled “Alan’s Army vs Gareth’s Gaymos – Derby Destruction” will also be available in a special director’s cut widescreen edition for fans of Mark Viduka.
Festival of Football 