Posted tagged ‘Sunderland’

Experts predict Keane eruption ‘before Christmas’

September 7, 2009

Roy Keane, not at all happy

Roy Keane, not at all happy










Vulcanologists have issued a warning today that temperamental Ipswich Town boss, Roy Keane, is due to erupt ‘imminently’ after lying dormant for well over a year. 

His last eruption, during his bust up with Sunderland chairman, Niall Quinn, measured 6.7 on the Richter Scale and could be felt as far away as Lincolnshire.

This latest forecast predicts that any Ipswich based explosion might well be exceed that figure for both ferocity and length and may even come close to his Mick McCarthy inspired “Up Yer Bollocks” tirade in Saipan just before the 2002 World Cup which is believed to have caused several buildings to partially collapse and had aftershocks which were reportedly felt in his hometown of Cork.

Ipswich Town, currently without a win in the Championship, and looking increasingly unlikely to mount a promotion challenge, appear to be testing the limited patience of the ex-Manchester United star, and his ragtag collection of ex-Sunderland players and unproven Irish youngsters need to win some games and win fast, warned head Vulcanologist, Dr Leonard Spock, of the London Institute for Eruptions and Explosions.

“To be honest” explained Dr Spock, “this has been on the cards as soon as the appointment of Keane was announced, but even us experts have been surprised at the speed at which the pressure levels inside Keane have risen to dangerously volatile levels. Most of us weren’t expecting an eruption until 2010 at the earliest. I would suggest that any fans heading to future Town games avoid sitting anywhere within a possible blast radius and expect secondary eruptions even if all appears calm.”




Sunderland release season’s highlights DVD

June 3, 2009


Mr Disco Pants at the DVD launch

Mr Disco Pants at the DVD launch

Amid a glitzy press launch, Sunderland released their DVD of the season 2008-2009’s highlights called “Wear the Best – NorthEast Pride”.

When asked by the attending journalists what was featured on the DVD, Sunderland chairman, “Mr Disco Pants” Niall Quinn,  explained that it consists of 1 minute covering Sunderland’s goals, 1 minute showing the 5 passes played between feuding frontmen, Cissé and Kenwyn Jones, and a further 2 hours of intensive coverage of near neighbours Newcastle’s traumatic season.

He went on to explain that it includes innovative features such as “Follow the Magpie” which, throughthe use of state of the art computer special effects, shows in intricate detail how the Geordies managed to steer a course straight into the Championship, and a special “Director’s Cut” which shows the Newcastle board in close up as the final whistle went at Villa Park.

“You’ll be able to laugh at the ‘Second Coming of the Messiah’ as Newcastle welcome back Kevin Keegan” said the affable Irishman, “and piss your pants when Geordie legend and son of a sheet metal worker, Alan “Mr Creosote” Shearer, shows us how easy it is to transfer your punditry skills from ‘Match of the Day’ to actually managing a team”.

The DVD is expected to become an all time bestseller on Wearside, thanks to the unorthodox technique of  ignoring most of the Black Cats pathetic season and concentrating on the Schadenfreude of the Toon Army’s misery, it will go on general release around the rest of the country on Monday.