Real unveil World's Biggest Twat
Real Madrid today presented new signing, and übertwat, Cristiano Ronaldo, to an adoring crowd of 80,000 retarded Madrileños in an extravagant ceremony which involved the Portuguese star being shot out of a Golden cannon, through a flaming hoop made of €5 notes and into a cage containing two Siberian snow leopards before being strapped into a jetpack and hovering above delirious fans in the famous Bernabeu stadium.
Real President, the megalomaniacal, Perez, announced to the gathered imbeciles, “This is the biggest thing ever to happen in the history of mankind! The evolution of man has been building to this moment, the moment when Real Madrid, the most successful football club in the World can annouce that, despite having won nothing of any consequence for some time, we can spunk our money up the wall with the best of them, in fact better than anyone else and we don’t even need rich Middle Eastern despots or Russian gangsters to do it. Are you watching Manchester City?”
The presentation lasted over an hour and involved the ex-Manchester United player showing off his ball juggling skills, signing a small boy’s balls and healing several dozen specially chosen invalids.
It was the biggest event of this kind since Maradona’s transfer to Napoli almost exactly 25 years previously, and Perez will be hoping that Ronaldo will replicate the Argentine superstars success, although perhaps without the drug taking, the weight gain and the general hanging around with ‘bad sorts’.
Fiorentino Perez also used the presentation as an opportunity to unveil Real Madrid’s new kit which is made from pure white platinum leaf with gold stitching and costs €25,000 per shirt. He also denied rumours that Real were seeking to become the first footballing nuclear power and that planned pre-season trips to Iran and North Korea were purely promotional and had nothing to do with attempting buy atomic weapons grade plutonium.
Festival of Football 